I wish I wasn't so selfish.

I feel selfish.
So selfish, I wonder if I have ADD sometimes.
My days are spent giving Emmett moments of EXTREME fun and then trying to check e-mail and freelance work, while holding him, his face over my shoulder, and talking to him thinking he doesn't know that I'm on the computer. He knows and starts to cry.

I'm in an identity crisis. Every fiber in my being wants to provide, make money, excel, achieve and give my son the best. But all he wants is for me to hold him. Not even play with him. Just hold him.

I feel like a terrible mom sometimes. I look at other moms that are "baby mom's" reading books, with schedules and philosphies and mom groups and all that and I realize that I am not doing any of that. I usually do preformances for Emmett and read to him. I feel like he deserves more.

But then, there's this thing where I get restless and bored. And I feel this pathetic need to prove to all my single friends that I'm still so "cool". That I'm not really like a mom. That I'm different. I'm still young. I play cool music for Emmett. I get him baby rock band t-shirts.

I try to prove that I'm still so "down to earth". The truth is, a lot of the time I feel embarassed about being married and embarassed about being a mom. I'm NEVER embarassed of Emmett. I adore him, although by this first post you'd never know it. I just wish I could grow up. I wish I didn't have these dumb feelings of wanting to still fit in. I'm 31 and I still care about listening to underground bands.

I feel, generally, that I am a selfish person. My husband is not. He is extremely giving to me and Emmett almost all the time. He is so gentle and loving. Right now he's cleaning up the dishes from the dinner he made (Salmon & potatos), as I sit here eating a sticky bun and writing.

I love my husband. I adore my son. I just wish I was better for them.