I feel like a guy that can't decide whether or not to get married.

And this is my first "new" post. And I'm ok with that. I was getting sick of the old look adn feel anyway. Here's a snippet of my conversation with Mike:

Mike: "Something good is going to happen. We're going in a good direction. I need to write to that guy. What night is good? I know there isn't any night that's good".

Elis: "Wednesday is good"

Mike: "Ok, I'll write to him. I mean, he could come tomorrow night, but I feel like we'll be too busy."

Elis: "What are you going to write to him?"

Mike" "To see if he'll come out Wed. night".

Elis: (struggling for more interesting conversation for the sake of the blog) "But what are you actually writing?"

Mike: "Um....Sorry, but we've been really busy. (annoyed) But wll you come out on Wed. night. I'm still very excited to talk about this, but there've been some big projects in the way -- like taxes".

Mike and I are confused, and you know what? It is so weird for me. Usually, if I say "I'm confused" it's rhetoric to disguise the fact that for some reason, I don't want to say what I really want. In this case it isn't.

At any moment, I burst into tears thinking about LA...I can't handle Mike talking to me about house buying...I hate the idea of renting, but am afraid of feeling tied down.

It happened today, while we were driving to the Christiana Mall. It was pretty out and there was a tent sale and we passed ChiChi's. I burst into tears (a fit lasting about .5 seconds) saying "I want to move back to LA. I miss the freedom". Mike put his hand on my knee and tried to comfort me and say "We need to pray about it. Maybe we should go back".

And then, as soon as he said it, I dried up and was OK.

Last night I got upset with my father when he asked us for the 10th time to buy the house we're living in. I told him it was not fair that he wasn't supporting us...That we AREN'T country people and can't they just accept that. My father admitted, although reluctantly, that he and my mother were just being selfish and that they loved Emmett being so close by.

I couldn't handle it. I can't handle them wanting us to live here. I can't handle it because it's painful and I'm wondering if I have an issue with commitment -- something I never thought I had before.

I can easily commit to projects, althought it's hard for me sometimes, but when it comes to places, it is so hard for me to settle down somewhere. It seems like a terrible waste of time, as bizzare as it sounds. Mike, althought he is much more of a traveler than me, has no problem with this and I am the problem.

Here are the issues and options:

1. Buy a house in West Philly and live in it: Far and away the "wisest" investment during a "seller's market". West Philly is the most you can get for your money. The problem is that I like to be where the action is, and the only action I see there is the one awesome Ethopian restaurant. Otherwise, it is very far removed from the pulse of Bella Vista. Also, my view from childhood on West Philly is negative. I always had to drive through the grunge of West Philly to get anywhere I wanted to go, and it wasn't a pretty drive, so my view is negative.

2. Buy a multi-unit in West Philly and live in one of the apts: Again, seriously WISE investment since we don't need a lot of space and can pay off the mortgage with renters, but I have a poor, dark, dim view of West Philly. Maybe living in Avondale is helping me to adjust to being away from teh action? I don't know becuase I AM HONESTLY CONFUSED.

3. Buy in West Philly, rent it out, and live in Bella Vista: This is possible, but it smart? Aren't we going to be obsessed with fixing it up? In some ways, this would make a lot of sense. We only have to "live in the house" one day to get all the loans etc. we're entitled to. Still, do we want to get into the real estate "game" (sorry for the "game" in there)

4. Rent in Bella Vista and wait until the market is better for buyers: Do we dare set ourselves up for another definite move? Is this good for Emmett?

5. Buy in Queen Village which is being overlooked: It's still expensive, but it's not nearly as expensive as Bella Vista which is the "hott" (I couldn't help it) neighborhood right now.

6. Move back to LA: Jessica and I talk about this frequently. I am afraid this is our last chance. Emmett is 1 1/2. We can't be moving around when he is in school and I don't want to never live there again. Among other things, I miss my sister dredfully and want to grow a little more with her.

7. Stay in Avondale: Although this isn't a possibility, I had to write it because I'm worried we're doing the wrong thing. The house RIGHT BEHIND my parents is where we are living. It's cute, big, one floor with a gigantic back yard. My parents and Ana are so involved in Emmett's life. But yet, I feel so incredibly "stranded" and not myself here. But of course, there's a part of me thinking...God means for us to live here and we are missing our call. My parents bought this house cheap and fixed it up and it's the perfect size for us. Our friends come and visit and it is so good for Emmett. But I miss being around action, so it's hard for me.


Problems:

1. I HATE moving and I don't think moving a lot is fair to Emmett.
2. My job is in San Francisco and it would be nice to be closer.
3. Everyone we really love is here. I wonder if we could get the key players to move to a more affluent city that can afford the weird artistic, non-necessary ideas we have.
4. Our families are around here.
5. Our church is in Media and I am committed to the Priest.
6. Emmett is very, Very attached to Ana. They love each other very much.

Ok readers, when you figure that out unselfishly, figure this out.

What should Mike do?

1. We could try to get him a job with my company sharng the job I'm doing and he'd be doing all the graphic design and would work from home. This would be great and he could share Emmett and we'd all be home all the time. But the problem is, waht if the company doesn't make it? It's a start up, so there's always a chance. Where does that leave us? We depend on his income as the stable income?

2. He can continue working at his stable job that he likes. The problem is, it's an hyour away...from here and from Philly.

3. He can continue working, and we can keep building our businesses...the Kid's TV show and the clothing line. But would it be easier if he were working part time for my company? Should we be afraid?

HELP!!!!!!!


This is so therapuetic for me becuase I'm sorting this out for the first time. Sorry there are typos etc., but I never proof or check this blog.