Hating my life...as usual.

Hating my life...as usual.
I'm in a very bad mood.

I'm not making enough milk anymore for Emmett, and I don't know why. I don't want to pump to "bump up" production, yet I'll feel like a terrible mother if I ween him off milk before a year. Right now, he is crying in his room, not wanting to go to sleep.

I am so tired of my life. I go through this routinely. There is nothing to look forward to anymore. There are no thrills left. I never feel exhillerated. I don't feel alive. I have nothing to look forward to. I have nothing to feel proud of (besides Emmett of course).Weeks are blurring into one another with nothing interesting to separate them. I don't have a car. We don't have enough money. We don't have a house. I feel that we have nothing that hasn't been a gift.

This weekend, I went massively off my diet, basically pigging out. According to my grandmother's scale I gained 3 pounds meaning that I'm 8 pounds away from my pre=preganacy weight. It seems like I'll neverget there and because I feel have nothing to look forward to anymore (no cigarettes, no work, no achievements), all I want to do is eat.

I'm miserable, depressed and I'm actually thinking about using alcohol as a crutch right not. Well, I guess in the old days it was to "get the edge off".