I wish I was stable

I wish this so much. I am so tired of being a dreamer. How badly I wish I wasn't spontaneous. I wish I were good at one thing. I wish I had one goal. I wish I were normal and less smart and less sensitive and more simple.


Especially now that someone else is depending on me. And he thinks we know what we're doing but we totally don't.

I continue to be fascinated by everything and to want to do everything and realize that I really can't...I can't becuause of Emmett. The more time I get into my own things, the less time I get into Emmett. And it seems like the more I do the less patience I have for the slowness of play time.

We're no longer sure about West Philly -- particularly the area we were looking in. The school system that we thought was so great does not seem like it is that great for us. It is 60% black, 20% Asian and 20% White. The number of white students has been declining every year.

Now all the "progressives" I know might point their boney fingers at me siting that I'm prejedious and that HOW DARE this affect our decision. The difference between those progressives and me is that I went to middle school where I was one of two white girls in the whole class.

It's stupidity, in my opinion, to pretend that we should not let the black/white ratio affect our decision. Emmett is the most precious thing we have in the entire world. I'm going to use every ounce of intelligence that I have in making any decision that will affect his future. And I guess the difference is, that I'm just honest.

So now, we don't know what we're doing. We don't know where to live. We don't know if we should work. I have two major projects in the oven right now, and I've turned the heat on low.

It would be so great if something just "worked" or if something just happened that would shape our future. As much as I live the fleeting highs and lows that make up my emotion, I envy the people that know what they're doing.

So to all you readers that know what you're doing -- I envy you.