Today I cried on the way home from the movies.

I felt like a terrible mom. I felt like the most selfish horrible person alive. I was balling, uncontrollably, becasue this morning Emmett woke up before me and was in our bed (we bring him in after he feeds at 5:30) and he was giggling and kicking and playing with me to wake up. And I cracked open my eyes and he was laughing — so happy. But I asked Mike to take care of him and went back to sleep. I always always worry that I'm not holding him enough or I'm not playing enough...I worry about everything, basically. I love him more than anything and feel like he deserves better than me.

I do know he adores me and if tehre's one thing I do well, its make him laugh. i can make Emmett laugh by just walking into the room and lookingat him. And that's why I'm about to cry rightnow. All he wants for me to do is pay attention to him...and i am so split. I think maybe God is trying toshow me not to work...to just be a mom. And this is the hardest thing in the world for me. I am addicted to working. But I think Mike needs to work and I think inour family I need to be home with Emmett.

Today a few things happened:

1. Comcast has a copywriter position open. I told Mike I may go back partime. He rolled his eyes and said "no" but he knows I would go anyway if I wanted to. Then it occurred to me...what am I thinking!! Leave my beautiful baby boy to go to a place that's sick -- full of lies and sleeping around and corporate bullshit. I'm thinking about leaving my pure, beautiful baby boy for money?

2. We saw Eternal Sunshine in the Spotless Mind which is a really good movie and reminded Mike and I a lot of ourselves. We realized that we are living life wrong. We should have more fun than we do...even with Emmett. We should be doing fun things as a family. So tomorrow, we are going on a picnic.

3. Emmett let us sleep this morning. Remember what I wrote about up there...about how Emmett was up at 7 and wanted us up too...Well, last night, Mike and I went to bed really late and it was like Emmett knew it. He let us sleep until 10. After I asked Mike to help with Emmett this AM, he put him into his swing and Emmettslept for the next 3 hours. Mike is convinced that he "let" us sleep. Im' convinced too...