Dear Emmett...

So, a lot has happened. Please forgive the delay in my writing. First of all, more people are reading this blog. I'm not sure if this is changing the way that I'm writing. I don't think it is. If anything, its only causing me to try to spell a LITTLE bit better and to be slightly more aware of my language. But its minor, if that. And I'm going to stop right now. If I find myself feeling confined because people are reading this, I'm going to make this private.

I should mention at this point that the purpose of this journal is first and foremost for Emmett, my son. I'll also say to him, right now, that I am being honest and am not going to try to pretend that I was ever or will ever be perfect. Hopefully, this journal will show you how much I love you and how I really am trying my best to give you a good life...a fun life, really. My entire focus is on trying to make you happy -- not only by taking care of you and playing with you, but by trying to make sure that I'm happy. At this point I should tell you something.

I grew up in a household with a mother that was not happy. She was depressed to the point of exhaustion. She slept most of the time and cried every night at dinner. I was about 6 when I really started being aware of it and I remember going up to her bedside, while she was crying, and begging her to tell me what was wrong. She would (of course) not tell me. I was too little and she was too private. I write this to you, not only to give you the information that depression runs in the family (her sister has it also), but to help you to understand why I am struggling to make sure that I give you enough time and give myself enough time. I want to make sure I am always happy for you. I want to never "fake" like I'm having fun with you. I always want to feel good about myself so that you can feel safe and secure. This is something I didn't feel and its shaped the way I am.

I've decided to switch to this kind of writing from now on. I'm going to write to you Emmett, rather than about you. I'm going to begin addressing these as letters, topped with a "Dear Emmett". I want these to be a series of letters to you rather than journal entries.

So, here it goes.

Dear Emmett,

I am amazed by you. And what's great is that you are amazed by me too. You're 5 months and 3 days old today and I feel like every day you're getting smarter. Here are some new developments:

1. You LOVE carrots. Your father made sure that we got organic carrots for you. He always makes sure you have the best of everything. Anyway, you actually kind of "sing" when I'm feeding you. You sort of hum. And as soon as there's a pause, you demand more, getting very upset if I don't fill the spoon fast enough. At this point, I'm nursing you, then feeding you a jar of carrots -- 3 times a day. What's kind of funny, is that its still easy to redirect your attention. No matter how much I feed you, you always want more (I don't think you know that you're full because it takes a few seconds for your stomach to feel full). So what I do is I feed you, I quickly wipe your face (you start crying and making a "mMMMMMMMMM" sound to let me know you want more), then I pop the pasifier (which we call "Chompy") into your mouth.As soon as the chompy is in, you're fine. You're totally happy.

2. You made your first huge stinky poop. Your dad handled the first one. i wasn't there. I delt wtih the second one. I was at my friend Chris' house and I changed your diaper and, Emmett, I could not believe it. It is amazing that a cute baby like you can produce the smell that you did. We were all flipping out -- opening windows, running out of the room. I used like 20 wipes. I couldn't believe it.

3. You are touching things. You are noticing the feeling of fabric on your skin. A lot of times, you put your hands on my cheeks and stare at me. You'll pull on my sweatshirt. You'll touch Asriel (cat) and Daddy will help you to pet her.

4. You had your first Easter.You received 2 cards (from Aunt Mimi, Nona Diane and Mom Mom). You received a balloon (from Nona Diane). You received 3 stuffed bunny rabbits (from Betty Brown, Aunt Mary and Aunt Lynn). We went to Ocean City NJ and you were so cute. Everyone loved you and you were so well-behaved. There were about 35 people there all watching you and you were just radiating. I felt SO proud of you Emmett. Its something you wont' be able to understand until you have your own child. I felt like I had the most beautiful, most intelligent, funniest, cutest baby with the BEST personality in the whole world. I was beaming.

5. We are trying to get you a toy truck. This is a lot harder than it sounds. See, your a little baby and we're not supposed to get you a cool truck that does neat things or looks cool. We're supposed to get you a soft truck. But the truck that you liked, you saw at your cousin Cooper's house. It was colorful and plastic and you were fascinated by it. So your father is committed to finding you a truck that's just as good. Tonight was the second night we went out looking (and we went to an expensive toy store), but to no avail. Technically, tonight was your first trip to the toy store and your father brought a camera to document teh experience. But you were tired and we didn't find a truck so we didn't take any pictures. Althogh we did see some trucks, the one that seemed to catch your eye was a firetruck that was too old for you. (You were also attracted to the matchbox trucks). Daddy is planning another outing tomorrow. I may ask Uncle Frank if we can just borrow the truck you played with. I don't know if I mentioned that Papou often takes you to his door to look out onto the busy street (which is full of trucks) and your eyes get really wide and you are mesmorized. Prior to seeing that, I believed that the concept of boys liking trucks was an environmental directive (rather than a instinctive one). But I can honestly say that you like trucks and we have nothing to do with it.

6. You're sucking your thumb...and your fingers and your fist. You are definitely in the oral fixation stage. We cannot pry your hands out of your mouth. No matter what you are doing, there is a hand in your mouth (even laughing). And you fake cough all the time. Its so cute, and you really do a great preformance. Sometimes, your fake coughing sessions can go 6 or 7 fake coughs in a row. How, you may wonder, do I know you're "faking"? It's very, very obvious. And someday your child will do it and you'll think its just as cute as I do.

7. You're moving to a new size diaper soon. We use Pampers and you're on stage 2. You'll be in Stage 3 the next time we buy.

8. "He's more fun" Quote from Daddy. I asked your dad what he noticed that was new about you and that's what he said. You love to squeal. You talk constantly. You complain. You make faces. You laugh. You even get mad sometimes. You are an adorably animated little guy with energy and a distinctive personality. We love having fun with you.

In terms of today's events, I don't know. Today was pretty basic . Daddy and I played with you (you were in a GREAT mood all day). I spent most of the day with you while Daddy looked for jobs. Then, I took you to Kid's Corner at the Gym and I worked out for about an hour. We came home and you wouldn't go to sleep, so I let you fall asleep on me while we watched Band of Brothers with the sound almost off so you wouldn't hear anything. (Its a war mini series. I had you facing away from the TV so you wouldn't see or here). And I've checked on you a few times, and you're totally happy in your crib.

I love you so much.


Posted by: Elisabeth / 12:04 AM