I'm so glad to be home.

The only place I want to be is with Emmett.

My baby.

i'm at Cousin Oliver (Comcast's ad agency) and all i can think of is my most precious, beautiful baby who i miss and adore. Every second i"m apart from him is painful and i'm afraid he's forgetting who i am.

Today is his first birthday.
And Ana reminded me of what happened a year ago on November 10th.

On November 9th, at about 12 noon, after moving a heavy plant inside, i told Ana that i felt like there was somthing happening, but that it certainly couldn't be my water breaking. it felt, i told her, like little squirts were coming out and as i'm writing this i remember it vividly. At about 3:00, i talked to my mom about a little bit of blood in the toilet and by 3:30 i felt like i was having contractions. But they weren't that bad and i was not ready (packed or emotionally ready) to go to the hospital. i was positive it was nothing and that we'd go to the hospital "just to be safe" and that they'd tell me to go home.

So, i called Mike who was on his way home with his mom, and asked him to bring me a bunch of things on the hospital list (magazines, mints, lollipops etc.) and he and his mother went bezerk. They came back with every people Magazine type of magazine out there. Several packs of gum, tons of hard candy, like 4 packs of mints etc.

We got in the car, and on the way, the contractions werer getting worse but i felt sure that, if it were "time", they'd send me home anyway and i could take care of my packing. in my heart, i felt like it wasn't time. So when we got in there, i told the nurse that i really wasn't ready and that i was hoping i could go home. She was really "routing" for me, and when she did the first test, was trying very hard to read it as negative. She told us to take a walk and i got a big hamburger, prepapring fully to go home.

WE went back up and when the doctor came in (who was my second favority GYN in all my visits), i told him i really didn't want to stay and wanted to go home. He took one look at the card and said "you're not going anywhere". We called everyone and they packed a very full bag for me and came later that night to get Mike's mom. Mike (of course) could stay over in a convertachair. (it just kind of opened up o be a longer chair).

That night we hurridly watched videos on LaMaz and tried to go to sleep...to no avail. About about 2 or 3, heavy contractions started and within an hour, i got sedation drugs. They didn't do much except confuse me, and i would wake up every 20 minutes demanding the nurse come to take me to the bathroom (i was attached to a drip thing), and then i'd fall asleep on the toilet.

The next morning, i begged for an epidural asap and they promptly gave me one. i was in heaven. i put on makeup in preparation for Emmett's birth, which took exactly 1/2 hour. i was saying that i was in heaven.

And when i saw my son, and they put him in my arms, without even trying i started laughing and crying at the same time. i had never before experienced the emotional freedom i felt at that moment.

I'm off to work

and I had NO clothes.
But with a really great husband, we labored through the stores yesterday to find just the right blend of "cool casual", so that I can fit in and be that cutting edge type of copywriter that I"m supposed to.

New jeans...new cords...new slacks...a new belt — it is awesome to feel pretty again and it has been so, so long.

I'm SO excited about the project I'm working on, I've been brainstorming ever since they sent me the brief. But as excited as I am about all this, my heart is breaking at the thought of seeing Emmett for about an hour tonight. I am afraid of separation anexiety and that I might lose it during work.