It seems extremely unfair

and EXTREMELY close-minded to me that people, who delcare themselves democratic liberals, have absolutely no tolerance for the conserative point of view. It pisses me off that to these people's standards, I am not allowed to have a mixture of opinos. I really detest political types that follow an agenda. It enfuriates me becuase they expect me to do the same. The pot holes in the consistency of these agendas are so glaring, and I can't stand it when people don't see it.

I am feeling angry today. Angry that I feel "embarrassed" of my conserative political views and force myself to stand by them. When it comes to my liberal political views, I'll talk them right up. This is so fake.

I don't want to feel that I'm cool because of my opinion stances. I am so tired of "hiding" my feelings on certain issues becuase they're not liberal enough. I'm tired of trying to prove to liberals that I'm not a conserative becuase I think the Terri Shaivo case was a FUCKING DISGRACE and because I don't think George Bush is the spawn of satan. In order to say those things, IMMEDIATELY, agenda followers peg me as an "in-the-closet" conserative -- an agenda follower, just like they are, but on the other team.

I hate killing. I'm against abortion and against the death penalty.
I hate sexism. I'm against pornography and against discrimination.
I hate classism. I'm for a living wage and recognize the value of capitalism.

I think I'm feeling irritated right now because one of the things I dread about moving into Philly are self-indulgent liberals that love to agree on how much they agree about every issue that's force fed to them and how they feel like they are thinking outside of the box but they're just regurgatating they way they're told that "liberals" should think.

And why am I so irritated?

Because I want to be one of them.

My Ani DiFranco Tour.

It took me 3 hours to get home from the Ani DiFranco show last night. It was at the Keswick in that Willow Grove area and somehow, I managed to drive to Reading, get directions, and drive further toward Harrisburg. I got home at 2AM and stayed up until 3 helping Mike with a project.

This is the project he was working on.
I'm exahusted. Thank God, Emmett is too.

Seeing her play was a euphoric and annoying experience, at the same time. As soon as Jessica and I got to the show, we both felt embarrassed of the crowd. It was about 60 percent lesbian and 30% "modern hippie". By default, we looked "together". When I bought her a beer to "thank her" for getting me in with her press pass, I felt suddenly like the "man" in the relationship and felt the need to loudly explain why I was treating to the woman selling the beer. "No Jessica...Let me pay since you were able to get me in free with your press pass".

Ani was as usual, somewhat condescending to her fans. Like as if, we weren't getting her. Like irritated that the fans clung onto and supported every word. Jessica and I agreed that this would be hard and annoying and that her fans truly are extremely annoying.

Speaking of beer, as I finished the second to the last gulp of my second, I suddenly realized...what am I doing? It's still lent. I can only drink on the weekends. But I knew God understood because I honestly forgot...plus, it's been 7 weeks of a vegan diet wtih the occassional shell fish thrown in. I think he knows I'm trying.

At the end, we talked to Hammel on Trial for awhile, who is likeable and edgey with Green Day eyebrows, a Jack Nicholson confidence, a Johnny Knoxville cockiness and Yoda ears. He looks at times, almost demonic, but there is something instantly likable and attractive about him. His new album is called "For parents who enjoy drugs" and I get the "spirit" of the album (although it did make me wonder if he was on coke). We talked about how being cool parents, there are very few clothing options, and we compared our "finds".

Sorry for this boring blog. I'm exhausted and avoiding work.

Reality

is not this. It's not blogging, or Robot TV shows, or funny movies or rides or sweet foods or anything that makes anyone happy. Reality is that we're dying. That every single day we're dying and that we take years like pills that are making us old.

I am a person that is in a perpetual state of distraction, filling my life with happiness, in anyway I can find it, in a sucessful effort to avoid the fact that I am dying and that it petrifies me. If it weren't for death, I would be euphoric most of the time.

I love life. I love living and what is quite possibly a chemical imbalance allows me to experience thrilling highs and bitterweet lows...and the feeling is so addictive, that at times I force them to happen. But even that, as real as it seems, is a continual effort to mask the reality that I'm dying -- even though I still feel relatively young.

This morning, while Emmett was eating his bagel, I pushed his high chair close to the door, allowing myself a gigantic dance floor. I turned on the polyphonic spree and starting singing and dancing and showing him the gushing excitement one of their songs brings out in me...I held nothing back and let myself go as I have done only when compleley along, kicking and dancing and jumping and punching -- feeling compleley engulfed in "reaching for the sun"...and Emmett watched me and started getting into it. When I was finished, he clapped.

To which I bowed and thought....

You're the only one that gets that this is a preformance.

Pizza is best

when cooked. And last night, Pat's Pizza in Kennett Square PA, decided a "tomato pie" is fine completely uncooked. That the dough "just adds" to the taste. Mike called and demanded they give us a new one -- DELIVERED (my tough husband) -- and they had the audacity to ask that we "send back" the doughy one. Like. No.

I took Emmett to Boomers today (like a kid's fun park) and there was this guy there that was sort of off-beat, with a dark blue band hoodie, Dr. Martins shoes (not the ugly kind wtih the stitching) and one length hair. We noticed each other immediately and, suddenly, I felt like a divorced woman. The way he was looking at me was like I was single. It was so weird. There are so many divorces or non married parents, fathers look at mothers because they know it's 50/50.

I got freaked out and was literally hiding from him, not that he was following me around, but I didn't want to even look at him, because he was being too obvious. I started acting very weird, escorting Emmett to these corners and crouching behind video games. Then, the worst, Emmett led me right to a video game next to the guy and I didn't know what to do. I avoided him in a way that almost made it seem like I liked him.

In the kitchen...

David, Dave and Ana are eating sugar cerael and talking about the living conditions in China. Emmett is running around with this little cart. And I'm waking up still, with a cup of coffee that Ana made.

Life feels good right now. Our meeting last night was inspiring to say the least. David is totally into our idea and spends a great deal of his time living in China. He feels confident he could set up the backend of the business. Mike and I are totally confident with the US end...it also turns out, he writes grants for a living.

I'm also feeling really excited about the TV show. I just feel like things are working.

I woke up a few minutes late for my job and stumbled into the office, and had a pleasant conversation with one of my co-workers. I was also able to hire someone Mike and I worked with years ago that is a very competent and solid technical worker.

I made some fantastic vegan stuffed peppers last night. I still can't believe how good they were. My issue with Go Lean is that I wish it was easier to separate into little pieces.

Yesterday at the market, this lady came up to me and was telling me how her boyfriend lent her car to his friend and he stole everything in it, including her license and she was so upset becusae he was in the parking lot. I found myself looking AT her, the lines in her face, the rough of her voice, and I was barely even listenting to her. In fact, I felt slightly scared of her. She reminded me of a Jerrry Springer type of guest, and I was not allowing myself to relate.

I feel terribly guilty about this. What kind of a Christian am I and how dare I consider myself non-classist. That woman came to me for help and all that i did was tell her "I'm sorry. Did you tell the people in Giant?" while holding Emmett inside the car.

I'm always, always learning.

The most frequently played

albums in our house right now are these:

Sufian Stevens - Swan One
Magnetic Fields - 69 Love Songs
Killers - Hott Fuss
Radiohead - OK Computer


Mike was trying to play the modern lovers last night, and I got irritated. I wanted to hear "Bright Eyes" from the Killers again, a song I listen to at least 5 times a day.

Yesterday felt exciting to me. The weather was beautiful, I felt great and the following happened:

1. I got something fun in the mail: It was a DVD from "Romance Tours of Europe" and it featured an "overview" of how this company sets men up with an open several day reception wiht 600 beautiful Russian women. They carefully screen all applicants, and choose only the best. These women want to get married. It's totally fascinating.

2. I sent the movie to some fun places: Although in reality, I'm on to other things, I am wrote to the guy from "Improv Everywhere" who was recently featured on NPR and told him that I think we are in the same mindset and I asked him if he'd be interested in connecting. (He is) I also got a response from The Weekly, and sent them a copy. Plus, a TV show is looking for short reality skits, so I sent it to them.

3. Tonight we have a meeting:It's to discuss a fair trade idea Mike and I have had for several years. The person we're meeting with lives between here and China and is interesetd in the same thing.

4. My friend may make his warehouse into a TV studio: And he seems intereseted in working with our group. He has an idea to make a bunch of "weekend pilots", banging out ideas and sending them to networks. I think it's a great idea.

5. I got an email from an old boyfriend yesterday: And it's the one I miss the most. I feel toward him like family and I wish so much he could be a part of my life now. Mike was comforting me, becuase I wrote him a long email and he didn't write back. How do I have such a great husband that understands me?

Life feels free to me right now. And I'm loving the new look of my blog. I realize I hated the old one -- style wise. It reminided me of an old couch I'd see at a yardsale. One that's been in the garage, with leaves in between the cushions.

The truth

of the matter is, if I let myself, I can get excited about Philly all over again. And it happened, during a conversation with Jessica where we realized that we are bringing ourselves down about this city and about moving back to LA. That when she's happy, I'm happier and vice versa. As soon as we started talking postively about Philadelphia, I started to get excited -- my heart started pounding -- just thinking about the fact that I'll be around people that I care about.

I love that it's a little clutzy and that there are underground scenes. I love that it's humble and livable. I love that it was once a progressive city. And I love what it's becoming and that I can have influence. Maybe a small pond is better in some ways. I love that I have such awesome friends and that I feel like I'm on the show Friends sometimes. I love that you guys will do weird things with me and will act goofy and will get philosophical one minute, then the next minute will sing opera with me in an elevator. I LOVE YOU. And when it comes down to it, that's what matters.

And as for West Philly, I realize that I don't know what that place is even like. My dim view of that area is from 20 years ago. I need to look at it for what it is now, and start over fresh.

WE ARE OFFICIALLY OUT OF...

DEBT.

The checks are in the mailbox now and the little flag is up.

Mike and I have worked our asses of for a year to do this, and on Friday night, we went out to celebrate. We came home and wrote two checks, one for each credit card. Then, I wrote "arevaderchie debt" on a little sign and we took pictures of the checks, and then pictures with our faces by the checks.

We went out to dinner at a crab place (since shellfish is OK during the lenten fast) and tried our hardest to make it until midnight so we could drink. (Weekends, drinking is OK in the orthodox fast -- she writes, as she is slugging a beer down with 5 minutes until midnight). The place was so bizzare to me and I couldn't believe how freakish Mike and I looked to these people...and we're ONLY AN HOUR OUTSIDE OF THE CITY.
Middle aged women, with early 90's blonde layered cuts, "dancing" (finger snapping and all) to country blaring over the loudspeakers as Fatt Matt, with a nasal DJ voice, was trying to "rouse" the crowd. At 11:30, we couldn't stand it. We bought a six-pack and came home.

Then, we started dealing with the post I wrote yesterday. Mike called Colin...I blogged. And here's what we decided:

We are going to buy a house in West Philly this summer and live in it.

This is hard for me in some ways, but it is truly the best thing for Emmett and it makes teh most sense in terms of an investment. When we "make it", we'll buy in Bella Vista.

I can give up on LA becuase I love my friends, and they're all here (right now). I know Jessica is waivering and I understand her.

I feel like a guy that can't decide whether or not to get married.

And this is my first "new" post. And I'm ok with that. I was getting sick of the old look adn feel anyway. Here's a snippet of my conversation with Mike:

Mike: "Something good is going to happen. We're going in a good direction. I need to write to that guy. What night is good? I know there isn't any night that's good".

Elis: "Wednesday is good"

Mike: "Ok, I'll write to him. I mean, he could come tomorrow night, but I feel like we'll be too busy."

Elis: "What are you going to write to him?"

Mike" "To see if he'll come out Wed. night".

Elis: (struggling for more interesting conversation for the sake of the blog) "But what are you actually writing?"

Mike: "Um....Sorry, but we've been really busy. (annoyed) But wll you come out on Wed. night. I'm still very excited to talk about this, but there've been some big projects in the way -- like taxes".

Mike and I are confused, and you know what? It is so weird for me. Usually, if I say "I'm confused" it's rhetoric to disguise the fact that for some reason, I don't want to say what I really want. In this case it isn't.

At any moment, I burst into tears thinking about LA...I can't handle Mike talking to me about house buying...I hate the idea of renting, but am afraid of feeling tied down.

It happened today, while we were driving to the Christiana Mall. It was pretty out and there was a tent sale and we passed ChiChi's. I burst into tears (a fit lasting about .5 seconds) saying "I want to move back to LA. I miss the freedom". Mike put his hand on my knee and tried to comfort me and say "We need to pray about it. Maybe we should go back".

And then, as soon as he said it, I dried up and was OK.

Last night I got upset with my father when he asked us for the 10th time to buy the house we're living in. I told him it was not fair that he wasn't supporting us...That we AREN'T country people and can't they just accept that. My father admitted, although reluctantly, that he and my mother were just being selfish and that they loved Emmett being so close by.

I couldn't handle it. I can't handle them wanting us to live here. I can't handle it because it's painful and I'm wondering if I have an issue with commitment -- something I never thought I had before.

I can easily commit to projects, althought it's hard for me sometimes, but when it comes to places, it is so hard for me to settle down somewhere. It seems like a terrible waste of time, as bizzare as it sounds. Mike, althought he is much more of a traveler than me, has no problem with this and I am the problem.

Here are the issues and options:

1. Buy a house in West Philly and live in it: Far and away the "wisest" investment during a "seller's market". West Philly is the most you can get for your money. The problem is that I like to be where the action is, and the only action I see there is the one awesome Ethopian restaurant. Otherwise, it is very far removed from the pulse of Bella Vista. Also, my view from childhood on West Philly is negative. I always had to drive through the grunge of West Philly to get anywhere I wanted to go, and it wasn't a pretty drive, so my view is negative.

2. Buy a multi-unit in West Philly and live in one of the apts: Again, seriously WISE investment since we don't need a lot of space and can pay off the mortgage with renters, but I have a poor, dark, dim view of West Philly. Maybe living in Avondale is helping me to adjust to being away from teh action? I don't know becuase I AM HONESTLY CONFUSED.

3. Buy in West Philly, rent it out, and live in Bella Vista: This is possible, but it smart? Aren't we going to be obsessed with fixing it up? In some ways, this would make a lot of sense. We only have to "live in the house" one day to get all the loans etc. we're entitled to. Still, do we want to get into the real estate "game" (sorry for the "game" in there)

4. Rent in Bella Vista and wait until the market is better for buyers: Do we dare set ourselves up for another definite move? Is this good for Emmett?

5. Buy in Queen Village which is being overlooked: It's still expensive, but it's not nearly as expensive as Bella Vista which is the "hott" (I couldn't help it) neighborhood right now.

6. Move back to LA: Jessica and I talk about this frequently. I am afraid this is our last chance. Emmett is 1 1/2. We can't be moving around when he is in school and I don't want to never live there again. Among other things, I miss my sister dredfully and want to grow a little more with her.

7. Stay in Avondale: Although this isn't a possibility, I had to write it because I'm worried we're doing the wrong thing. The house RIGHT BEHIND my parents is where we are living. It's cute, big, one floor with a gigantic back yard. My parents and Ana are so involved in Emmett's life. But yet, I feel so incredibly "stranded" and not myself here. But of course, there's a part of me thinking...God means for us to live here and we are missing our call. My parents bought this house cheap and fixed it up and it's the perfect size for us. Our friends come and visit and it is so good for Emmett. But I miss being around action, so it's hard for me.


Problems:

1. I HATE moving and I don't think moving a lot is fair to Emmett.
2. My job is in San Francisco and it would be nice to be closer.
3. Everyone we really love is here. I wonder if we could get the key players to move to a more affluent city that can afford the weird artistic, non-necessary ideas we have.
4. Our families are around here.
5. Our church is in Media and I am committed to the Priest.
6. Emmett is very, Very attached to Ana. They love each other very much.

Ok readers, when you figure that out unselfishly, figure this out.

What should Mike do?

1. We could try to get him a job with my company sharng the job I'm doing and he'd be doing all the graphic design and would work from home. This would be great and he could share Emmett and we'd all be home all the time. But the problem is, waht if the company doesn't make it? It's a start up, so there's always a chance. Where does that leave us? We depend on his income as the stable income?

2. He can continue working at his stable job that he likes. The problem is, it's an hyour away...from here and from Philly.

3. He can continue working, and we can keep building our businesses...the Kid's TV show and the clothing line. But would it be easier if he were working part time for my company? Should we be afraid?

HELP!!!!!!!


This is so therapuetic for me becuase I'm sorting this out for the first time. Sorry there are typos etc., but I never proof or check this blog.

Breaking from work and talking to Jessica

Yep. That's what I'm doing. On the phone with her right now talking about the virtues of blogging and appropriate blog behavior.

In other news, I miss LA. If I was still single, I think Jessica and I would be driving cross country right now.