I miss you JESSICA.

This blog goes out to Jessica who I'm thinking about tonight. I miss you terribly and things are starting to calm down. I can't wait until you live in PA. I can't wait until you live in PA.

You are one of my favorite people in the whole world. And on this Friday night, I wish we were out together.

Emmett's OK and I had a weird virus.

It turns out that Emmett is (so far) OK, just a little anemic. They told me to get him onto formula and make sure that his food contains meat. It's funny how opposite everything we've ever heard that advice is. So, I'm down to nursing twice a day (morning and night) and am giving him bottles during the day. He's already gained a few pounds..and inches...in (literallY) a matter of weeks.

When Emmett got his bloodwork (3 tubes and not a tear), I got some bloodwork done too. It turns out that I had this virus that affects people in a similar way that mono affects them -- causing extreme fatigue. The virus is called the Epstein-Barr virus. There's a little info on it below:


Epstein-Barr virus

The Epstein-Barr virus is a common virus that infects almost everyone by the age of 40 and usually does not cause any illness. However, it can cause mononucleosis (mono) and is associated with some types of cancer (Burkitt's lymphoma and cancers of the mouth).

The virus lives in a person's salivary glands and can be spread through saliva (such as by kissing or sharing drinking glasses or eating utensils).


Mike definitely already has it. Apparantly this virus flairs up when yhou push yourself too hard. I can identify 2 times that I know I had a flair up. Apparantely one becomes fatigued during a flair up.

Hang on Emmett's crying.l.more later...

SWOLLEN FINGER AND STUCK RING

MY RING IS STUCK ON MY FINGER AND IT'S KILLING ME! I have tried to get it off and my finger is totally swollen making it impossible. I've tried everything...shampoo, soap, ice water, even KY Jelly. Nothing is working. Please...if anyone out there knows what to do, tell me.

Formula

Before I left the doctor yesterday, I confirmed with her that I should give Emmett anything he wants. Since that time, Emmett is nursing and then drinking between 6 and 8 ozs of Formula. My main priority right now is making sure Emmett is eating enough. I can't tell when I'm nursing him because I can't see how much he's getting.

I've struggled with the idea of formula. I feel it is very unatural and have never wanted to give Emmett an ounce of it. My feelings are changing. More than anything, I want Emmett to eat and be healthy.

Can you imagine how it feels to know there's a possibility that Emmett's lack of growth is becuase I'm not feeding him enough...becuase I'm not producing enough milk. Can you imagine how I feel right now?

Of course, this is what I want the problem to be. I don't want to find out there's something more serious. But I feel like a failure as a mother. I feel like I couldn't read my child. I feel like I'm not a nurturing person.

I have a solid rationale comforting me through this, but the bottom line is that I may not have been feeding Emmett enough and that's why he's leveled off. That may just be a fact. And I have to deal with it and learn from it.

I feel scared.

For awhile now, I've noticed that Emmett is smaller than other babies. Not just a little bit...a lot. And I've chalked it up to the fact that he's breastfed and that other babies (a lot of them) are on formula.

In the past week, it's really hitting me that not only is he smaller than other babies...he's a lot smaller. And that he always seems hungry. That whenever I've finished nursing, he seems to cry for more. That he eats 3 jars of food per sitting. It seems like he's not really getting enough.

I think I realized it the other day when Mike said "Emmett, our little baby that never poops" (becuase he goes so rarely) and in an automatic reaction I said "Our baby that never grows"...and then it hit me. Emmett isn't really growing.

I called the doctor today and they had me come in. It turns out that Emmett is in the 2 percentile in terms of his size. 98 of 100 kids are bigger than him. He used to be in the 25 percentile and they get worried when kids go down like he has.

The doctor was nice. She told me that it could just be him, but that there was enough concern to do bloodwork and stool samples. I need to take Emmett to the lab and he'll be tested for everything from Anemia to blood cell health.

It took a lot, but I held in my emotion. ,And as I'm writing this blog, I just now starting to cry. I feel unbelievably scared. I am so worried that there's something wrong.

The other night I pumped after being at a wedding all day and not nursing and there were only 2 ounces of milk. I have started giving him formula after I've nursed him and he hungrily drinks 2 or 3 bottles full.

God please protect Emmett. Please Father take care of him and let there be nothing wrong. Amen.

A little more.

Thank you all for your comments from yesterday's post. I was surprised to see them and am so flattered that you read my blog.

So that you know, my post followed a conversation in which Mike and I had (what honestly turned out to be) a misunderstanding. Being a mother (PARTICULARLY TO EMMETT) is a complete honor. As a person that suffers from equating self-worth to achievement, it's hard for me to feel like I'm doing anything...ever. As a result, I am easily depressed.

Please know that I adore Emmett. I struggle with an addiction to acomplishment.

Annual Review.

It seems terribly unfair.

You go to work, get projects, achieve milestones, and have something to show for it...a good design, a comprehensive report, a good filing system...

I stay at home and, raise Emmett, and I do have something to show for it...but it's not tangible so it doesn't feel like anything. Emmett's happy personality is a result of his genetic structure and "we're so very lucky...he's such a good baby". There's nothing that can be attributed to the work that I put into him. If he turns out well, he's "a good seed". The most credit I'll ever get is that he came from a good family. Which is something.

This is a thankless job in some ways, and although rewarding, in the end I feel unacomplished. The lines between what my parenting is contributing to Emmett and what his "natural personality" is contributing to who he is, is a very blurry line. If he turns out well, he's "smart" or "gifted". But it will be very easy to blame me if something goes wrong like "he was spoiled" or "he's dysfunctional".

T I R E D.

I am.

Here are a few quick observations:
1. Emmett looks good in red.
2. Emmett will play soccer if his foot ability continues
3. Emmett will be an engineer based on his "study" of his toys.

Here are a few quick notes:
1. I have information for baby modeling (for Emmett)
2. I may get a part time job
3. A TV show contacted me to possibly be on it.

Here are a few quick past/present events:
1. Tomorrow is my friend Bill's wedding.
2. I went to the dentist (dental clinic) yesterday.
3. Today I want to go to the grocery store and the mall.
4. Mike finished the DVD and I sent it into a TV show.

Here are my moods.
1. tired
2. lazy
3. wanting to smoke.

A little about my prince, Britany and Madonna

Emmett.
So, now days he sits up on his own. He says Dada. He sees lightening bugs. He smiles for cameras like a model. He poops in the potty (when we see him struggling, we take off his diaper and run him into the bathroom where he goes. Emmett is my life. He is my pride and joy. Yesterday I spent the entire day loving him. Seriously. Every moment I was relishing in him. Playing for a long time....hugging him....making him laugh. I love Emmett in a way that exceeds infatuation, but can only be described that way to anyone that hasn't had kids. It is unbelievable.

Britany and her dancer
If you're in a long line at the supermarket, read the Britany People issue. It is so, so very sad. Britany is engaged to her dancer and in the interview, she sounds pathetic. We learn that she proposed and he said no at first, then proposed later on. She calls him "Babe" thorughout the interview, and when he says things like "I knew at first sight she was the girl for me" she hugs him and says "Really babe?". Her wedding planner brought her 10 engagement rings to choose from and she chose a 4kt one. She really sounds bad.

Madonna (aka Esther)
OK. First of all, everyone is still allowed to call her Madonna. But she's starting to freak me out a little bit. I saw pictures of her tour and there was all this Hebrew writing everywhere. She doesn't seem to do anything but Kaballa (sp) and it seems (again) pathetic. It's cool that she's devoted to something like this but it seems like such a watered-down form of Judiasm. I like to think of Madonna like a cup of strong, black coffee. I like to think she likes extremems. Maybe I'm just disapointed. I would love for Madonna to become a Christian. I really really like her.

So that's my tangent. I need to talk aboutEmmett and I need to talk about things that mean nothing. As far as I'm concerned its therapeutic. It's an emotional break from this season of "downtime" that gives me far too much time to think.

It may have been a rumor.

Well, word has it that Guys Day On The Boat may not be so gender specific. And in all honesty, if it was and the planners knew that I'd be upset, I know they'd change it.

I don't want to rant and rave about it, but this gender thing sucks for women.

Here's my personal side of the story.

Women equate their success (just as men do) by what they're worth -- either monitarily or socially. When she gives birth, all of the sudden she's supposed to sacrifice, not only her time, but her perceived worth for the sake of her child. Our latch-key generation says loudly and clearly that staying at home and raising your kids is the right way to go. (And to some degree it is)

So here's this mom who, prior to having a baby, was successful. And for the first 3 months she's OK with staying home and changing diapers etc. etc. She's OK for the first 8 months until she notices something. Lack of respect. People regard her as "lower". If she didn't stay home they'd think "What a terrible mother. DAYCARE!!" But upon staying home they think of her as a different breed.

If I don't write this next part, to follow would be a barrage of comments "No Elis. It's not true. " But in advance, I challenge you. Never will any reader admit to losing intellectual respect for me since mothering, but truly think about other mothers you know. Stay-at-home moms. My feelings were very different before I had a baby. Even women I've worked with over the years. When I learned they had kids, some element in my approach changed just a little bit.

So onto my gripe. Our culture expects far, FAR too much from women.
Women are expected to:

Get a good job
Get paid well
Marry a rich man
or Marry a handsome man
Dress well
Be thin
Stay young looking
Have babies
Stay at home and raise them
Remember birthdays thank you cards etc. etc.,
Cook dinner
Clean the house
(you can continue the list)

That's too much in one lifetime. This gigantic barrier that exists between men and women doesn't really exist. Mike and I are SO SO different, and I'm in love with him because of it. But I'm really, really different from my friend Chris too. I'm different from Jessica in a lot of the ways I'm different from Mike. I'm like Colin in so, so many ways.

Gender has something to do with these differences, but not as much as we act like it does.

I'm tired friends. I'm particularly tired of myself. I cannot believe I am feeling this brand of "22 and hurt by a guy" feminism that was "My life" 10 years ago. Truly, it's being near my parents "old-school" way of doing things and not having any base or model. Forgive me if I'm overly sensitive. No seriously. Please know that I'm in this place and don't be offended by my high sensitivity.

If my old roomate Kyle were reading this she'd say "Hey Elis! No problem. It's an EGR situation". And I'd ask "What's that?" She'd say "Extra Grace Required".

I miss Kyle.

To Cheesefest.

Just a day away....

"Guys" Night Out.

It's perfect timing for another one of these completely discriminating, alientating nights that, in a nutshell, may as well be called "Everyone BUT Elisabeth Night".

Yes. An upcoming day on the boat for MEN ONLY. Humm...Let's see. Jane hates the boat. Jessica gets sea sick. Yep. The only one who would actually go would be me and I'm the wrong gender for the occassion.

I'm going to start my own night out and send it to all the guys that claim to be my friend (but never seem to forget my "difference"). It will be called "C, J, M and E"* Night Out. We'll go to Hershey Park, then go bar hopping later that night. But only people who's names begin with C,J, M or E.

Here's the thing. If there were all these "events" that were happening, I could understand the need for these gender specific times. Not to exclude me (since I can "hang), but to exclude the women that can't. As it is, the events are very few and 50% in the recent past have been only for the "superior" gender.

Impossible, but true. I'm finding a surge of hatred emerging. In the murk of my past is still some seawood that I'm trudging up, and I feel disgust for anyone that is stereotyping me because I'm a woman. I'm controling myself right now. I could go off.

*W and S should be included on this list. Please forgive the omission. It would be "C, J, M, W, S and E" night out. That would be a good time. Apologies to Wayne Stiles who invited me to Guys Poker Night. Wayne is NOT lumped in with any of the Guy's Night Posse.

i like to tell stories.
Real ones, of course, but often embellished real ones. Not to say I'm lying. I'm usually not. Time makes colors more vibrant in my world, and the listener gets to see them.

All that to tell the story, (uncolored by time) of my day.

Woke up.
Dropped
Went to gym.
Bought cards and groceries
Ana took Emmett to Gymboree
Wrote cards.
Vacummed the house.
Ana came home.
Struggled to get Emmett to sleep.
Ate dinner at my parents where my Uncle Nick was visiting.
Struggled to get Emmett to sleep.
This has been going on until now.

Emmett didn't take a nap today. Usually he takes two.

Staying at home with Emmett is making me into a feminist...a position I never thought I'd revisit. I am VERY touchy about getting Mike anything and about any expectations put onto me. And tonight at my parents, I nearly snapped.

When Mike came in they said "Your wife will take care of you" and I was expected to serve Mike dinner, which I swallowed my pride and did since really, he did just come in. But when I put the food down, they demanded that I put the food at a different place so he'd be more "comfortable". I snapped at them and illustrated my position by bowing to Mike. "he's the provider!" They said. "Serve him!". I just looked at them like they were crazy. Then, they began to say "Where's his napkin! Where's his drink!" I tried to let it roll off my back but it was tough to say the least. After dinner, I helped my mom by doing the dishes and Mike came in to help too. My mother said "No Mike. You just came in from work. This isn't your job". I was like "Mom. Don't make me cringe. We're liberals". She ended up butting out of it, realizing that we don't do things the backward way.

So if you don't know, this is the biggest fear my parents have. That Mike and I are "liberals". They are in love with GWB and are supportive of the war. Mike and I tread very lightly (particularly me), but I DO NOT like this war and I DO NOT LIKE what it's done. I would not vote for Bush...although I don't think Kerry is much better. I will not vote but if I did, it would be democrat. There. I said it.

Big deal you think.
Really, if I were to bring that up in my parents house, my father would turn red, get sharp and veins would pop out of his neck. He would accuse me of not being a Christian for it. To him, there are no opinions. He is right and that is it. That's how my parents think about politics.

I need to be around peers because I'm starting to sell out. I'm alone in the way I am so, depressed, I'm doing things the way my parents do them. But it's not who I am and it's punching my spirit.

I am not a homemaker. I stay at home with Emmett. I work all day too.

Having said allthis, I've decided to get my Master's Degree and I'm looking into it. At the same time, my mother may go back for her Undergraduate which I think will do amazing things for her. That is my only hope right now. I so, so confused about everything. I miss being happy all the time. I'm happy when I'm with Emmett, but outside of that, it's completely unpredictable.

I look horrible in sunglasses.

All of them. Every shape. Every size. Every color.
So when I jokingly put on a pair of Steve Madden's in the mall, I turned to Mike with a frog face expecting the usual response -- laughter. As crazy as it is, they looked good. So I bought them...my first pair of sunglasses over $6.99. And now I'm afraid to wear them.

Emmett has a funny little personality. He is so easy to make laugh. Everything is a toy. He loves touching fabric. He loves shows. He loves the camera. Right now, he's in his swing and I'm doing this in hopes that he'll fall asleep. (If I leave he'll get upset). Sadly, he seems to have no interest in sleeping. Like at all.

Emmett waves. I swear it's true. I'll say hi, and he waves at me. Sometimes he even says 'hei".

This weekend is going to be fun. Jessica is coming. Colin is coming, Chris and Michele are meeting us in different places. This is going to be a really great weekend -- Friday night, First Friday downtown. Saturday morning, Yard Sales. Saturday afternoon, Philly tour. Saturday night, BBQ and indoor hangin. Sunday, Diane's brunch. Sunday night, movies. Monday -- this is undecided. We may go to the shore. I'm not sure.

OK. Emmett'[s not falling for this. I should go.

I need a car.

And it's getting out of hand.

We thought we had one but we don't. I'm depressed more than I was. Every day feels like a struggle. Without Emmett, I feel I have nothing. He's the reason I get up every day.

I need a car. I need to leave the country . I need to get away from my parents. I live far too close to them.
I don't want to live near anyone sometimes. I have reculsive tendencies but they never become extreme.

Emmett scratched his head today. It was actually strange. He had an itch and is intelligent enough to move his hand and scratch. He also seems to know what a video camera is and seems to preform for it.