It's over.

A few minutes after I finished that post, I couldn't stand it and I stood outside of your doorway, balling, unsure about what to do. Finally, I decided to just give you your pacifier and the next time maybe I won't. So I came in, rubbed your head and we were both staring at each other crying. Then, I put the chompie in your mouth and you fell asleep. Right before you drifted off, you looked at me sadly, about to cry again, and my heart broke all over. This is the hardest thing for me ever. I want to give you anything you want.

My heart is breaking.

Dear Emmett,

I have put you down for a nap. You're so tired, but we've had such a gentle and enjoyable morning, that this part is so hard. I decided today, since I"m sure that you're tired, that I'm not going to come in when you start crying. That you need to learn to fall asleep whether you want to or not. And you are crying so loudly, so passionately and you keep saying "momma". And I'm crying becasue I want so badly to come in and get you and rock you to sleep. I feel like I'm betraying you because I can hear you. Its everything in me to not give in. Every time your exhausted cries weaken, relief comes over me that it may finally be over, but it never seems to be. 10 minutes is lasting an eternity.

The corkless wine.

It has this whole tag to disclaim the fact that its corkless — in fact, on the tag it has a little picture of a cork with an no-smoking slash through it. But you know what. Here is a GREAT bottle of wine. It's called (Hang on, and I'll run in and find out) Ca Del Solo (Big House Wine). It's from California and I think it's funny how they act like it's all Spanish. Anyway, today, after finding out that I am not pregnant, Mike and I decided to celebrate. He is making Pastisio (Greek dish) and we are drinking wine adn I can't remember how long it's been since I've drank enough to actually feel it.

Yeah. So, I thought I was pregnant. There wasn't much of a chance, but I'm very paranoid and so is Mike. I've been tired lately so we got scared. I bought a pregnancy test and tested and one line! I hugged Emmett (and Mike who was holding Emmett) and said "hooray!". Then I kissed Emmett on the cheek and said something to the effect of "Congratulations Emmett! You'll be the center of my world for several more years!" and here's the crazy part. For some reason, Mike said "For another year Elisabeth". I was thinking like wow. We did not discuss this. We are both OVERJOYED. So overjoyed, I called Mike's mom and told her I was not pregnant and how happy I was! This is pathetic. At this point I'm confiding in my mom and Mike's mom about my pregnancy fears.

So we're so happy and we're drinking up a storm to celebrate. We watched A.I. (American Idol) and couldn't believe the results. I called Wayne who I thought was EAGERLY watching along, but he wasn't and was not into it at all. (I write this as I know Wayne is one of the people that follow my blog). I have welcomed Wayne into Mike's friend circle because TRUELY, he is fun and cool and just the type I like to have around. I will do my best to help him find a match that meets my very high standards (and they are kinda high for women).

So, I just wanted to jot this down. I think I will not always write letters to Emmett. Maybe sometimes I will just write about what's happening. I'm not sure. All I know is that I should go get Mike off the phone and make him watch TV with me which is one of my favorite things to do with him. I overreact to everything and he loves it.

Bye for now.

You kept us up all night.

Dear Emmett,

I'm not sure what's going on, but something happened last night that was different from any other night — ever. You woke up at 2:20 and cried for the next 4 hours on and off. Any time we made even the slightest illusion of going back to bed, you would freak out — almost acting as if we were harming you. Your father and I couldn't believe it. You wouldn't let us bring you into either bedroom. We had to be in the living room or the kitchen unless we were changing you which is something you continue to love. Finally, after Mike prayed (duh, why didn't we do that sooner) you fell asleep. It was 7:20 am.

You woke up at 9:00 and slept until 10:00 and then, you were up for the day. Daddy got up with you and when I groggily appeared at 11, the two of you were watching MTV. You looked at me and started laughing and smiling and then I said "Hang on Emmett" and I ran to go to the bathroom and you started crying, in such a betrayed kind of way. I felt awful and hurried as fast as I could. I nursed you and then we spent a very long day.

You napped once the entire day -- for under 1/2 hour. You hung outside with Yaya and Papou while they were gardening. You hung out with me while i was sewing. You hung out with daddy while he wasdoing computer stuff. And you listened to my whole conversation with Aunt Angela. Then, tonight we took you over to visit Aunt Jenny and Uncle Frank and Cooper. We put you in a baby swing, we played with this bubbling dog, with a truck, puppets...the works!
And you were a little grumpy, but you still had a good time.

I put you down 20 minutes ago and you were very good about it. I'm not surprised. You're exhausted.

It's been beautiful for the past two days. Yesterday was about 70. Today about 68. Yesterday, you, your father, Yaya and I all went to the Farmer's Market and as soon as we walked in, we were literally stopped by 6 or 7 old ladies that were like "Oh, he's adorable!" Mike and I felt like everyone was "waiting" for us to arrive. (Really, we had the disucssion. It was so strange). On the way home, Yaya led us on a wild goose chase to find a produce junction— which we did eventually find. And then, we came home, put you to sleep and Daddy and I watched TV.

Here are some changes you've made or ways that you've grown:

1. You want to "help" with baby food Yes, you do. You reach out to help by holding the spoon which is actually kind of difficult and begs a mess. I let you do it anyway and just deal with it.

2. You are waking up earlier each night with last night being the strangest example of them all. Jenny says that you are changing and that I wake you up before I go to sleep at night and nurse you...that you're changing again.

3. Tonight you were acting like a musician. I wish I'd had a video camera because I swear it's true. I had this lullaby music on and you were moving your fingers at first like you were playing the piano in the song, then like you were playing the guitar. Then, you moved your arms like you were conducting an orchestra. I couldn't believe it.

4. You had your first real solid food.It was a tiny bit of the eggy part of pastisio. Basically, you spit it out and almost threw up.

5. You are still the cutest baby on earth. According to Anthony, Anna Kratzer sent out an e-mail with your picture saying you were the cutest baby she'd ever seen and while we were having tea at Diane's tea house, the waitress went in the back and said that you were the cutest baby she'd ever seen. Oh you are!

Diane and Mom-Mom gave you two cute outfits recently. Yaya and Papou bought you some really neat toys. You are loved by so many people Emmett. And you look so healthy emotionally. YOu are always smiling. You are easy to make laugh and you love it when people (ecspecially me) act funny.

Memories before Emmett was born
One night, your father took me on a date to an Italian restaurant. But sadly, it was only a few blocks from the area of the city we were living in and he wanted to make it very special. He told me to get dressed up (which I did) and he came to pick me up at 7. I got in the car and we drove for about 20 minutes when I realized that we were basically driving in circles. I brought it to his attention and he said that he wanted to make the date special and he felt it would be more special if the restaurant were further away.

It was a perfect evening and that restaurant became very special for us. We went back a few more times on a date and later, had our rehersal dinner at the same place. It was neat because all the cooking was done by this little old Italian lady that would actually come out and greet you. We loved it.

I won't admit to allergies and I smell like moth balls.

So, I'm straying from my theme for a moment. But I have a fever, my head is pounding, my throat feels like the Sahara and strong smells are making my jaw hurt (weird but true). And will I admit that I have allergies. No. Not yet. I'm 100% Greek and I have pride. I'm peasant stock, you see. I'm thick skinned and pride myself in not getting sick.

Yet here I am. Totally sick. And when I'm in air condition, it all seems to go away.

Today was a fine day. But I have stopped going to the gym this week and have thrown any food consciousness out the window. Next week, it begins. Next week, I quit food and begin a regimented work out. I feel like I'm quitting smoking all over again. Egad.

I have learned a lot being this weight and have come to conclude that more money should be put into weight research. NO ONE should have to go through being fat/overweight/not skinney. No one. It is not fair. Skinney girls get more attention, get better deals, get better jobs. Before you could tell I was pregnant (when I just looked fat) all of the sudden I wasn't cute anymore. I was just annoying. Yes. I'm serious. The "cute" side of my personality turned to be seriously annoying and no one (that I didn't know) found me endearing. We live in a sick, sick society with these strangly starved body images. But if that's how it is, than medicine should reflect it because it's not fair.

In some ways, I have no right to even talk to this. I am not an extreme example of overweightedness. But this glimpse into it has made me realize how truly unfair it is.

Onto lighter subjects.

Thank you to the people that are reading this...AND COMMENTING! Wow. It really feels sort of cool...like when I was a reporter for the few years I did that. Here's a quick peek into what's going on in my life today:

1. Shi Ann is still safe: I was routing for Shi Ann (who I was previously against). I cannot believe I'm about to say this, but I hope she wins the compettition. While watching, the baby woke up so I said "Ok Emmett. You can watch Survivor with us tonight". And I brought him in, he fell asleep on my chest. And my heart was pounding so hard, I thought he would wake up.

2. "The Hunk" made dinner: We brought dinner to my grandmother and Aunt Betty. Mike made pastitiso which is a difficult Greek dish. I love it that he made the pastitiso and my Grandmother (100% Greek) adores him. She calls him "The Hunk".

3. I smell like moth balls: So here's what happened. Mike decided to "protect" my clothes when we got here. I couldn't wear any of them during pregnancy, so he put them all away with moth balls. Then, as I started to fit back into a few (a small few) of my old things, he began to bring them out. But they WREAKED of moth balls. He, because he is great, took on the project of learning how to get the smell out and has started to do so by hanging my clothes on a line each day. Well. It's not working. My favorite sweater smells like moth balls and I keep wearing it hoping the smell will just "go away". I don't think it's gonna and I'm worried about the psychological effects this is going to have on Emmett. Will he dream of opening a dry cleaning business? Will he live exclusively in attics?

4. Mike and I got into a fight at 4:10 this morning. As usual, it was my fault. Let me just say that a lot of the time I feel like Mike is the "right" one and Im' always wrong. Like I'm the dumb 16 year old that doesn't realize that I'm wrong and fights back, sounding totally ridiculous. Then, I grow up 15 years in the course of a half hour and have to apologize to Mike who is always so forgiving. In terms of the fight, this is going to sound totally ridiculous but maybe by embarrassing myself I'll stop being so immature...Basically, Emmett usually wakes up at 5:30 to nurse. Last night, he woke up at 4:10. Moments before he woke up, I woke up. So I heard the whole process. He made a few little cries and Mike got up to get him. I heard him (through the monitor) walk into the room and shut off the monitor. I shouted "MIKE GIVE HIM THE PASSIFIER". Mike came out and said "I haven't done anything yet". Then he came in and I threw a pillow at him and said "I'm F'in pissed off at you! You didn't try to make Emmett fall back asleep and now he's off schedule!". He said that when he looked at Emmett, he was smiling clearly awake and ready to nurse. I told Mike I didn't believe him.
As if Mike EVER lies.

5. I wore Emmett out today.I played with him intensely and didn't even recognize when he was tired. He was STARING at the swing, wanting to get in. What made me sad was that every time I put him down to play (like put him on his back to tickle him or something) he stared to cry thinking I was trying to make him go to sleep. It made me realize that I put him down for naps so often that he thinks that if I'm not holding him, I'm trying to put him down. I felt terrible so I am going to try to improve and make every second of awake time count.

6. I talked to a Mom I liked last night. Her name is Sheri and actually, she's from L.A. She and her husband were with Audrey at a bar and I ended up talking to her for quite awhile. Every week, they go out to this particular neighborhood bar (just the two of them). She stopped nursing at 7mos. Lost her weight at 9mos. They have someone they "trade" watching the kids with -- they watch her kids one night a week, she watches their kids one night a week -- and they are always able to go out. That is my style. She shares the philosophy that if you aren't happy your kids wont' be.

Anyway, that's the deal. Mike is talking tome. I need to print some information and do some other stuff, so goodnight.

E.K.G
-n-
E.M.G

I love my son.

Spring & Orange Pellets

Dear Emmett,

The weekend was very busy. Your Mom-Mom came and stayed with us and you had so much fun. The only problem wa that you were constipated the whole weekend long. You made it clear to us and were struggling to go. We struggled wth you. At one point you were with your father, me, Mom-Mom, Yaya and Papou and we were all routing you on as you struggled to go. You made a little, round orange pellet and a huge smile spread over your face.

On Sunday night, I made curtains for Colin and Mom-Mom took care of you. You kept faking to cough and she was faking to cough too. You were imitating her. Later, Wayne came over and we stayed up until about 3. Of course you slept, but we stayed up and were not good company for you this morning. When I woke up, you were beaming at me and wanted me to play with you. Daddy and I both played with you for about an hour, then I took you and started playing and I overwhelmed you (I play kind of rough). I said "Ok Emmett. Let's look at something boring then." and we looked out the window.

I called the doctor to ask about your constipation and she explained everything. Basically, rice cerael and sweet potatos and apples are binding (who knew about apples!) and I need to balance those foods with prune juice, pear juice or oatmeal. In other words, I'm going to start to give you more than one item at a time.

We put you down for a nap and when you woke up, you sat outside with us for devotions. It was a beautiful day (about 70 degrees) so we took your pants off and you wore just a long sleeved onsie which is your dream come true. You were happy through devotions. But then, I had a 2pm meeting so your dad took you and you fell asleep on his tummy. When I was finished my meeting, I came in and saw you sleeping on him and my heart melted. I am in love with you both.

Tonight, we took you to an Avondale meeting about what they're going to do to improve PA Ave. Actually, we were on our way to Yaya and Papou's house and we saw them outside and they asked if we would go wtih them. So, we said OK and walked about 3 blocks to the meeting. You loved being outside and on the way home we stopped at the playground and put you in the swing. Papou was playing with you, putting your tummy on his head and whirling you around. You were giggling in delight.

My mother calls you "Emmeritis" and my father is trying to call you the same nickname. Then, my mom called you "NuNu". I couldn't believe it. I was calling you "Poopie" all day because, by this afternoon, you had happily pooped 2 orange pellets.

Observations Today: That I am loving being your mom. That I am so proud of you at all times. That I am determined to make you proud of me when you're old enough to care. I'm determined to make sure I stay in touch with your generation so that I can understand you.

Memories Before Emmett was Born— "The Blue Punch Party" : In 1997, I lived on 4th and South (428 South Street 2nd Floor) above a store called The Vintage Clothing Company. The store was terrible to live above because starting at 12 noon every day, the musicwas so loud my floors vibrated. Regardless, it made for a great party house. I'd painted the very funky (mint green, bright pink and pale pink). In the one room, I painted a gigantic white star on the wall and hung cool chandeliers from the ceiling. In the bathroom, I decorated the clawfoot tub with mardigras beads and painted mint circles on the walls. It was a very cool apartment, complete with black and white checkered lineoleum on the floors. It was the perfect apartment for a party. So, in October, I had "Absolute Cosmo" (later nicknamed The Blue Punch Party). It was a formal party and I handmade all the invitations with magazine cut outs of people dressed really cool. Inside, I had keychain attachments with the date of the party. I did it up very well with nice foods (which Yaya prepared) and I spared no expense on the alcohol. My boyfriend at the time,read a passage from a book he bought about how a party would be rememberd by its punch and to spare no expense with the punch etc. etc. Finally, I gave in and bought top shelf. He made the best punch you can possibly imagine. It was a reallly fun party, everyone looked sensational and the punch was delicious. And like clockwork, about an hour after everyone came, all of the sudden -- we were all trashed and very much all of the sudden. Your father came, as did Uncle Colin, Scott and really, the entire church I'd just begun attending. I barely knew them at the time, except for yoru father. I'd already decided that I wanted to marry him (I'd known him for a few months). But I wasn't sure if he liked me. Well, he and his friends were very impressed with the party (particularly since they really didn't drink or go to parties. I in some ways, feel that I corrupted the church). And my parents had heard of Mike. When they met him, however, he was totally and outlandishly drunk. I found out later that that was the first time he'd ever gotten drunk. In any case, your father had not admitted to liking me formally. He was being chased around by a girl named Reagan throughout the night, but I did feel he was giving me very special attention. At the end of the night, i was presented with a video tape of the party (I was wearing a blue dress if you ever see pictures). Anyway, I never watched it because I had lived it and most of the video was in black in white. A few months ago, Ana and I watched the video and the very last five minutes was your father. He was trying to tell the camera man that he felt like he was too late...that he felt like he'd missed his chance with me. When I watched it, I got shivery.

You had your first haircut.

Dear Emmett,

I have a few minutes without you. Your dad took you to go pick up Mom-Mom from the train. She's coming to spend the weekend with us. I keep feeling like I need to check on you, but you're not here. Its making me realize that you and I are never apart and I almost don't know how to handle this time without you.

Today, we cleaned, I gave you a bath (you were very good) and then, I cut your hair. You see, you had these two long pieces that were growing over the rest of your hair, right on either side of your ear, and it didn't look good. A friend said "Don't you want him to have longish hair". "Yes" I replied. "I'd be open to the whole overgrown look, but this simply didn't look good". And it didn't. Oddly, these two pieces of hair were making you look bald. I'm not sure why. You were very good through the cut, Daddy videotaped it and its all documented.

Other Nicknames:
Mommy's Little Helper (when you are "helping" me change your diaper)
Mommy's Good Boy (whenever you are being a good boy)

Speaking of "Mommy's Little Helper", we are having a real problem with constipation -- well, you are. You simply cannot go. You try. We try to show you that we're "in it" with you, yet you cannot go. You have passed 3 or 4 very hard, orange poops. I think it was too soon for so many sweet potatos.

Today, we tried Squash. You like it. But carrots are your standing favorite.

Tonight, your father and I are going out to see a few bands play. The first, Colin and Dave and Aunt Ana are in. They were called Senioritis, but now they don't know what they're calling themselves. We're meeting Wayne (Nate's dad) and we may all head down to Philly to someone's CD release party. I'm not sure what's up. Anyway, we're not taking you with us. You're gonna stay with Mom Mom tonight.

I've decided that with each post, I'll write some kind of memory or incident that happened before you were born. Maybe soemthing that happened to me. Maybe something that happened to your father and me. Maybe something that happened to your father. Maybe something that I'm just learning. Anyway, I don't know what to call this section yet, so for the moment, I'll call it Memories Before 2003.

Memories Before 2003 - Turkish Delight
Before your father and I were dating, we were part of the same church and part of the same cell group (home meeting type of thing). Uncle Colin was in that same cell group and was actually the leader of it. Anyway, each week we'd meet and as the weeks wore on, I knew I was in love with Dad. He was cool, together and smart. When he said something, everyone listened becuase he was almost always right. Anyway, for awhile we were reading the book "The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe" as a group. Each week, we'd read the book outloud together (you should read the book. It's very good and easy to read). Anyway, one week, your father timed it so that his "turn" reading out loud would be the part in which the Queen brings out "Turkish Delight". And as he read the words, he reached behind hiim and pulled out a plate of authentic Turkish Delight. We were BLOWN AWAY. I could hardly believe how cool he was for doing that. I found out later, that he'd spent the afternoon in search of Turkish Delight. He wanted to impress me and he did.

Newsflash: Emmett at 5 mos. Sits on Toilet!

Dear Emmett,

First of all, I'm confused about something. A friend noted that on top of these "blogs" the ads seem to match something you've written. Awhile ago, I wrote about how you were constipated. Sure enough, the ad at the top was about constipation. Somehow, something I wrote brought up a "gay love" ad. Whatever it was, I'm sorry. I hope I'm not like one of those naieve moms that doesn't know that some word doubles for gay. I probably already am.

Anyway, les-see...You experienced your first religious debate last night, and like so many, you heard only one side. I was on the phone with your Godfather Colin, holding you, and he and I were debating about the definition of Christian behavior. I'm proud to say that I was more conserative. You sat through the whole thing, completely content, periodically pulling at my shirt or playing with my hair as if to say "You're right mom". I could tell that you agreed with every word that I said. Colin is easy to debate with because we both keep it toned down. We always agree to disagree. I've never had that so easy with anyone else.

In other news, we videotapped you trying very hard to poop today (your whole face was red and scrunched and you were actually making "ARRRRRRFG" sounds). Then, we realized how humiliated you will be later and DUH...why did we do that. But we did it and have documented it. Then we had a brilliant idea. Let's put him on the toilet! Oh Emmett. YOu would be so embarassed. You, your father, and me, all in the bathroom, the two of us making grunting sounds trying to help you to "go" in the potty. It took both of us to keep you from falling in, and you really didn't like it too much. Anyway, you are totally constipated, it didn't work, and we still await the explosion. I think I'm going to get your father to do it...you know. The changing.

Later, I fed you mashed bananas. I felt guilty because I was afraid you'd never eat veggies again. (That's what they say. That the babies love the fruits). But not you. You hated the bananas and by the end were flatly spitting them out onto your bib. You were literally sinking away from the bananas, sliding down into your seat in an attempt to ecscape.

You pulled my face down to your face and kissed me right on the lips! I was so excited and I called your dad in... and you actually did it again! Then, you did the same thing on my nose, and then on my eye! You were my little kisser all day! Then, I realized, that you were hungry and wanted to nurse. That you were showing that you wanted to "suck". Here I'd been bragging about my little kissey boy etc. etc. and you were trying to communicate hunger. Wonderful.

Other nicknames I realized I call you:

My little
Little Man
Nursey Nu Nu (what I call when we nurse. I'm nursey. Your Nu Nu)
Foody Nu Nu (what I call when I feed you solids)
Little Prince
Emmers (rarely)
One Sock Wonder
or
One Sock
Poopy head
Pooper
Pe-Peeeeeee

As I'm reading this, I'm almost beginning to shudder. Although it's cute when I'm calling you these things, to think that I call you "Pe-Peeeeee" (with the first Pe being prounced quickly, almost in a French kind of way) is unbelievable. I've lost it Emmett. I'm officially in the mom club. No more is that mysterious, independant woman with interesting jewelry. Gone is thewell-spoken, self-aware, socialite. I, the MOM, have arrived.

Forgive me, my darling. There's nothing I can do.
Posted by: Elisabeth / 6:07 PM

Sweet potatos and modeling.

Dear Emmett,

Today you ate sweet potatos. It was a big event for us, as you scrunched your face in the funniest way possible. But when you're reading this, it will not be a big deal event. To us, it is.

I'm finding myself so tired lately, and I don't know why. It's not you...you are a fun little angel. I am not sure what's going on. But there are these huge bags under my eyes all the time, and I am getting enough sleep. Its very strange.

I'm also feeling like I honestly have the cutest baby in the world. I think you could be a model if I wanted you to be. In fact, I looked into it but I decided not to do it.

I can't wait to move back into the city, darling Emmett. I am not a country person -- I never will be. I feel more comfortable in the city or at the beach than anywhere else. I don't know Emmett. I hope I'm satisfying to you as a mom. I feel so immature so much of the time. I love you...I adore you. But I worry about how stupid I act sometimes.

I have these imagijnations of you and me strolling up to the Rittenhouse Square park in Philly, or strolling down the Venice boardwalk. I have little desire to take you around in Avondale. I don't enjoy country scenery. I hope you wont' mind being raised in a city. I feel its good for a person to experience the culture and clutter that city living offers. I am among few that do.

We hung out a lot today, you and I. Then we went to the gym and I left you with some sweet potatos. (Am I spelling thisright?) Anyway, when I was done working out, she had just fed them to you and you were starting to get fussy.

Tonight, the band formerly known as "Senioritis" (temporarily known as "I Love You") practiced here and we took you over to your grandparents house where you fell instantly to sleep. We watched this war mini series called "Band of Brothers".

Speaking of "bands", here are some great names for bands:

Book Club
Content

I especially like Book Club.

Anyway darling. I'm getting tired. Here are nicknames I have given you:
Little Guy
Nu Nu
My Little Friend
Little Pooper
The cutest boy in the world

Here's what daddy calls you:
Little Guy
Mr. Drool

Good Night my love

Note from Aunt Audrey

Dear Emmett,

I sent your Aunt Audrey some Easter pictures of you and here's what she wrote:


on 4/13/04 12:27 AM, audrey woollen at audrey@urbanicdesigns.com wrote:

THANK YOU
Thank you
THANK YOU!!!!!

I love the pictures so much.
You make me feel part of things.
I realized how much I love Emmett more than any baby on earth.
He looks so much like you right now.
Its crazy.

*A

Dear Emmett...

So, a lot has happened. Please forgive the delay in my writing. First of all, more people are reading this blog. I'm not sure if this is changing the way that I'm writing. I don't think it is. If anything, its only causing me to try to spell a LITTLE bit better and to be slightly more aware of my language. But its minor, if that. And I'm going to stop right now. If I find myself feeling confined because people are reading this, I'm going to make this private.

I should mention at this point that the purpose of this journal is first and foremost for Emmett, my son. I'll also say to him, right now, that I am being honest and am not going to try to pretend that I was ever or will ever be perfect. Hopefully, this journal will show you how much I love you and how I really am trying my best to give you a good life...a fun life, really. My entire focus is on trying to make you happy -- not only by taking care of you and playing with you, but by trying to make sure that I'm happy. At this point I should tell you something.

I grew up in a household with a mother that was not happy. She was depressed to the point of exhaustion. She slept most of the time and cried every night at dinner. I was about 6 when I really started being aware of it and I remember going up to her bedside, while she was crying, and begging her to tell me what was wrong. She would (of course) not tell me. I was too little and she was too private. I write this to you, not only to give you the information that depression runs in the family (her sister has it also), but to help you to understand why I am struggling to make sure that I give you enough time and give myself enough time. I want to make sure I am always happy for you. I want to never "fake" like I'm having fun with you. I always want to feel good about myself so that you can feel safe and secure. This is something I didn't feel and its shaped the way I am.

I've decided to switch to this kind of writing from now on. I'm going to write to you Emmett, rather than about you. I'm going to begin addressing these as letters, topped with a "Dear Emmett". I want these to be a series of letters to you rather than journal entries.

So, here it goes.

Dear Emmett,

I am amazed by you. And what's great is that you are amazed by me too. You're 5 months and 3 days old today and I feel like every day you're getting smarter. Here are some new developments:

1. You LOVE carrots. Your father made sure that we got organic carrots for you. He always makes sure you have the best of everything. Anyway, you actually kind of "sing" when I'm feeding you. You sort of hum. And as soon as there's a pause, you demand more, getting very upset if I don't fill the spoon fast enough. At this point, I'm nursing you, then feeding you a jar of carrots -- 3 times a day. What's kind of funny, is that its still easy to redirect your attention. No matter how much I feed you, you always want more (I don't think you know that you're full because it takes a few seconds for your stomach to feel full). So what I do is I feed you, I quickly wipe your face (you start crying and making a "mMMMMMMMMM" sound to let me know you want more), then I pop the pasifier (which we call "Chompy") into your mouth.As soon as the chompy is in, you're fine. You're totally happy.

2. You made your first huge stinky poop. Your dad handled the first one. i wasn't there. I delt wtih the second one. I was at my friend Chris' house and I changed your diaper and, Emmett, I could not believe it. It is amazing that a cute baby like you can produce the smell that you did. We were all flipping out -- opening windows, running out of the room. I used like 20 wipes. I couldn't believe it.

3. You are touching things. You are noticing the feeling of fabric on your skin. A lot of times, you put your hands on my cheeks and stare at me. You'll pull on my sweatshirt. You'll touch Asriel (cat) and Daddy will help you to pet her.

4. You had your first Easter.You received 2 cards (from Aunt Mimi, Nona Diane and Mom Mom). You received a balloon (from Nona Diane). You received 3 stuffed bunny rabbits (from Betty Brown, Aunt Mary and Aunt Lynn). We went to Ocean City NJ and you were so cute. Everyone loved you and you were so well-behaved. There were about 35 people there all watching you and you were just radiating. I felt SO proud of you Emmett. Its something you wont' be able to understand until you have your own child. I felt like I had the most beautiful, most intelligent, funniest, cutest baby with the BEST personality in the whole world. I was beaming.

5. We are trying to get you a toy truck. This is a lot harder than it sounds. See, your a little baby and we're not supposed to get you a cool truck that does neat things or looks cool. We're supposed to get you a soft truck. But the truck that you liked, you saw at your cousin Cooper's house. It was colorful and plastic and you were fascinated by it. So your father is committed to finding you a truck that's just as good. Tonight was the second night we went out looking (and we went to an expensive toy store), but to no avail. Technically, tonight was your first trip to the toy store and your father brought a camera to document teh experience. But you were tired and we didn't find a truck so we didn't take any pictures. Althogh we did see some trucks, the one that seemed to catch your eye was a firetruck that was too old for you. (You were also attracted to the matchbox trucks). Daddy is planning another outing tomorrow. I may ask Uncle Frank if we can just borrow the truck you played with. I don't know if I mentioned that Papou often takes you to his door to look out onto the busy street (which is full of trucks) and your eyes get really wide and you are mesmorized. Prior to seeing that, I believed that the concept of boys liking trucks was an environmental directive (rather than a instinctive one). But I can honestly say that you like trucks and we have nothing to do with it.

6. You're sucking your thumb...and your fingers and your fist. You are definitely in the oral fixation stage. We cannot pry your hands out of your mouth. No matter what you are doing, there is a hand in your mouth (even laughing). And you fake cough all the time. Its so cute, and you really do a great preformance. Sometimes, your fake coughing sessions can go 6 or 7 fake coughs in a row. How, you may wonder, do I know you're "faking"? It's very, very obvious. And someday your child will do it and you'll think its just as cute as I do.

7. You're moving to a new size diaper soon. We use Pampers and you're on stage 2. You'll be in Stage 3 the next time we buy.

8. "He's more fun" Quote from Daddy. I asked your dad what he noticed that was new about you and that's what he said. You love to squeal. You talk constantly. You complain. You make faces. You laugh. You even get mad sometimes. You are an adorably animated little guy with energy and a distinctive personality. We love having fun with you.

In terms of today's events, I don't know. Today was pretty basic . Daddy and I played with you (you were in a GREAT mood all day). I spent most of the day with you while Daddy looked for jobs. Then, I took you to Kid's Corner at the Gym and I worked out for about an hour. We came home and you wouldn't go to sleep, so I let you fall asleep on me while we watched Band of Brothers with the sound almost off so you wouldn't hear anything. (Its a war mini series. I had you facing away from the TV so you wouldn't see or here). And I've checked on you a few times, and you're totally happy in your crib.

I love you so much.


Posted by: Elisabeth / 12:04 AM

We just had a picnic

...and I felt like such a good mom. I was walking, holding Emmett. We swung on the swing and went into the werid play creation (What happened to the simple, not so germy looking swing sets they used to make -- you know, the metal kind). Mike went down the slide with him and I took pictures. All day, I've been with Emmett. Loving him...playing with him. Today it occurred to me that for all the worrying I do about being a good mom, the fact remains that Emmett spends most of his time just staring at me smiling. So I must be doing OK. This has put me in an exhaustively happy mood. To the point that I'm actually tired. I'm going to take a nap...maybe with Emmett if he'll go for it.


Posted by: Elisabeth / 4:39 PM

Today I cried on the way home from the movies.

I felt like a terrible mom. I felt like the most selfish horrible person alive. I was balling, uncontrollably, becasue this morning Emmett woke up before me and was in our bed (we bring him in after he feeds at 5:30) and he was giggling and kicking and playing with me to wake up. And I cracked open my eyes and he was laughing — so happy. But I asked Mike to take care of him and went back to sleep. I always always worry that I'm not holding him enough or I'm not playing enough...I worry about everything, basically. I love him more than anything and feel like he deserves better than me.

I do know he adores me and if tehre's one thing I do well, its make him laugh. i can make Emmett laugh by just walking into the room and lookingat him. And that's why I'm about to cry rightnow. All he wants for me to do is pay attention to him...and i am so split. I think maybe God is trying toshow me not to work...to just be a mom. And this is the hardest thing in the world for me. I am addicted to working. But I think Mike needs to work and I think inour family I need to be home with Emmett.

Today a few things happened:

1. Comcast has a copywriter position open. I told Mike I may go back partime. He rolled his eyes and said "no" but he knows I would go anyway if I wanted to. Then it occurred to me...what am I thinking!! Leave my beautiful baby boy to go to a place that's sick -- full of lies and sleeping around and corporate bullshit. I'm thinking about leaving my pure, beautiful baby boy for money?

2. We saw Eternal Sunshine in the Spotless Mind which is a really good movie and reminded Mike and I a lot of ourselves. We realized that we are living life wrong. We should have more fun than we do...even with Emmett. We should be doing fun things as a family. So tomorrow, we are going on a picnic.

3. Emmett let us sleep this morning. Remember what I wrote about up there...about how Emmett was up at 7 and wanted us up too...Well, last night, Mike and I went to bed really late and it was like Emmett knew it. He let us sleep until 10. After I asked Mike to help with Emmett this AM, he put him into his swing and Emmettslept for the next 3 hours. Mike is convinced that he "let" us sleep. Im' convinced too...

He pooped then slept 5 hours.

Finally, today Emmett pooped.It has been about a week and I was going to call the doctor today if he didn't, but I'm happy to report that he did. And several times. It was disgusting but a big relief.

Mike woke up with him today and they came in and woke me up at around 10. I was busy dreaming about Survivor and being on it. This is a usual dream that I have almost every night. They woke me up and Emmett was so happy to see me. He smiled then he started to cry to let me know just how hungry he was.

I nursed him and put him down to play with his kick-n-play piano for awhile (and didn't even demand that I be there with him). Then, he went again. It was a lot of effort on his part, I could see that. I changed 2 diapers in about 10 minutes. (they weren't both full). But after that, I felt like he was tired so I put him in his swing for a rest.

He slept for 2 hours. I couldn't believe how much I was getting done. Then he woke up. I went in and put his chompy back in and said "Emmett, I'm going to put your swing back on and just finish my e-mail. Then I'll come and get you". I put his swing music back on, went in and finished my e-mail, I went back in and he was asleep! I could hardly believe it. He slept about 2 1/2 more hours. It was insane.

At about 5:00, he woke up and once again, let me know loud and clear that he was hungry and it simply could not wait. I hurredly finished changing his diaper, and fed him. Then, we played for awhile but he quickly became over stimulated in the stationary walker thing (which should be called "overstimulation"), so I took him out and put him near a window with very boring landscape and told him that I wanted him to look at something boring so that he would not be so overwhelmed. Being that he is perfect, he did what I told him and got into a happy mood again.

We played with him gently, I nursed him and then we fed him cerael and he loved it as much as he always does. Mike took him from there, and by 9:30 he was in bed. (That's kind of late for him. But since he slept so much, I figured that it was OK).

Emmett's hair is growing back in I'm happy to report. He was losing it for awhile and had these little bald patches and Mike and I were bummed. He is so cute and the bald patches weren't. But his hair is coming in really, really dark. He looks like me and he looks like my dad when we were babies.

Tonight, when Mike put him down, he resisted in such a cute way. He was pulling the blankets over his face and rubbing his eyes at the same time. Mike kept wanting me to come in to "see the resistance".

I found out something interesting today. People are actually reading this blog. I find that to be amazing because I feel it's very "inside". Here are some of the comments I received from friends:

Note From Jessica

Elis- I just read your blog, from the bottom up. I want to say a couple
things. First, I wish you didn't feel that pressure sometimes to still "be
cool" and be a mom. Your personality is what makes you cool, not what you do
or the music you listen to.Your observations about Emmett are just as
interesting as your observations about everything else, b/c it is your mind
and the way you see things and describe things that makes you so much fun.
People who are boring mothers were boring before they were mothers. You
couldn't possibly ever by boring.

I was also thinking that knowing I am reading this might make you restrict
what you say and I don't want that, so if you would rather I don't read it,
I wont'. I will not be offended at all. It feels a little like reading your
diary, and while I am priveleged that you trust me to read it, I don't want
to take away from what you can get out of it.
But I do love reading it and knowing what you are going through. Please know
that I NEVER get tired of hearing about Emmett. I love him and want to know
about him, and I love you and want to know about such an important part of
your life.
JJ

Note From Wayne

Elisabeth,
Have you noticed that the blogspot ad at the top of each blog matches
what the subject is for your blog? I was reading your this morning (try
mushing up bananas in his cereal or make him a banana milk smoothee,
that yo baby yogurt works too) and saw that there was an ad for
constipation remedies and baby toys (not purchased together I hope).
Anyway, you are doing a pretty spectacular job with Emmett and you
should cut yourself some slack sometimes, I have seen a lot worse and
not much better. Thanks again for having me down last week. Hopefully
Nate and I can come and hang out soon. Too bad you guys won't get to see
the house that I owned , it was pretty nice to have for the short time I
lived here.

take care,
Wayne

Those are such nice things to receive. I find it amazing that anyone would want to read through this. My blog is written as a journal I plan to give to Emmett someday. I'm not sure when. It would be so cool if I could keep it going until he got married and present it to him on his wedding day. His wife would think I was insane.
Posted by: Elisabeth / 9:34 PM

Emmett Makes High Pitched, Cute Sounds

I wish I could do one for you. But I can't. He makes his voice trail up 3 octaves and plateau at like a high G...almost like a giggle. Oh, he's so cute.

I felt like a good mom today. I was with him most of the day and played with him a lot. At one point, we were really playing. He was on the floor and I wa shaking my head and putting it on his tummy making funny sounds and he was CRACKING UP. We were really going strong and I wanted to run and get the video camera. I told him to hold on and I could hear him laughing from the other room. But I couldn't find it. I ran back in and his feet were up in the air and he was happy, so I kept looking. All of the sudden, he burst into tears...feeling like I had left the game and betrayed him. I consoled him and started playing again, but it was never the same. I wonder if he feels like I'm always trying to put him down or end my time with him.

He hasn't pooped since we fed him the solids (since Tuesday). I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow about it. I am starting to get a little worried. I'm particularly afraid of what will eventually come out.

I kiss him and he loves my kisses. I love him more than anything in the entire world. I can hardly believe that he's real.
Posted by: Elisabeth / 12:07 AM

Emmett meets cousin Issac and is reactionless.

So, last night, we trekked out to Easton PA (2 hours away) and we met Emmett's new cousin Issac for the very first time. Oh the delusions of grandeur we all shared. We imagined little Emmett, curious, and touching Issac's face...saying "goo?" and looking inquisitively at us for answers. We imagined Emmett rushing his hands together in a clap and laughing at little Issac's involutary baby expressions.

Instead, we found an irritated Emmett, confused as to why he was being held "out" toward anything. He was not interested in Issac and furthermore jealous when I was holding Issac, and made angry little sounds.

We gave up quickly, not wanting to offend. And we had dinner which just so happened to be soup. Our little Emmett recognized the spoon/bowl concept and started making sounds for his own helping. With each bite we took, his cries grew more demanding. I didn't bring his cerael, figuring that, for one night, nursing would be enough. But it certainly was not! Emmett did more than "let us know" what he was feeling. And if we had any doubt at all, he very much clarified it for us.

We ended up turning him around to face the TV, which did distract him and he forgot becuase he was no longer watching us. Sadly, Will and Grace was on.

Emmett eats cerael!

It's true. All of the sudden, Emmett has grown up. Mike and I are still shocked by how, in the course of a week, Emmett has gone from finger puppets and goo goo to learning toys and solids. Of course, Mike and I are entirely to blame. He has been complaining about our treatment of him for awhile (sheer bordem which he communicated by crying). Now, Emmett is living joy.

A few days ago, I got him some rice cerael and a sippy cup. We tried the sippy cup and he did OK with us holding it. About 1/2 of the water made it into his mouth. And then, with the Mike rolling the video tape and my mom holding him, we tried cerael mixed with a little bit of breastmilk for the very first time ever. All I can say is...HE LOVED IT! He made "waaaa aaaa" (not crying) sounds and stared at the spoon. Literally, I couldn't get it onto the spoon fast enough for him. It was insane.

Since that time, I have given him cerael 2 other times. Then, my mom informed me that rice holds water and she's afraid he'll be constipated. I was like GREAT. He hasn't gone since.



Posted by: Elisabeth / 8:15 AM