I am in love

with my son. I cannot belive the difference this week has made for us. We are like two peas in a pod. He is showing me things, he's snuggling next to me, he's listening to me....He loves me and I love him. And in this week, the first week in forever that I haven't been working, I realize that Emmett has been mad at me and that he's not now. He thinks I'm funny. It's OK with him if I am doing something else for a little while.

Today we got up, had bread with butter and honey and talked, then I cleaned up the kitchen while he drank orange juice and we listened to his favorite CD -- Polyphonic Spree (and then a little Cigaros when I felt like a change). Then, we played in the living room, mostly blocks. I read like 5 books to him and then, with just 15 minutes until his nap, I let him turn on the TV and he snuggled right into me. We watched it until 11:30 and then I put him down (he very eagerly wanted to go to sleep).

While he was sleeping, I talked to Jessica and then my family called from Greece. I talked to my sister who was excited about the idea of my working again (becuase of Emmett), but I keep going back and forth about it. I love being with him so much. I don't want to give him up...even for one day.

My mother seemed slightly disaproving, like I should not take the work and what a beautiful testament it would be for my love of Emmett. I continue to feel confused by it all. I adore him, I want nothing more than to be with him 24/7...but today we looked at houses and we need for me to work.

How do I resolve this?
What do I do? I am ADORING my child. I don't want to work anymore. But I'm comfortable with the company and they are willing to come in on my terms.

I don't know what to do.

After he woke up, I gave him a bagel and 2 animal crackers (the frosted kind). I tried to clean up a little more, but then threw in the towel and took him to the post office and then for a walk. On the way there, I kept saying "Ok Emmett. Now which way". And he would point the direction he wanted to go in and that's how we would go. After the post office, we went to the playground. We went on the slide and the swing over and over, then we picked a bunch of wish dandilions and came home.

This was my favorite part of the day. We walked around the yard and he was commenting on everything, chattering away about this tree and that bush...singing, making "giglegiglegigle" sounds. I was just so happy being his mom. Then, we went into the barn and he played the drums. He is totally going to be a drummer. We got ready and drove downtown, and Emmett kept his hat on the whole time.

We looked at a bunch of houses, and he was an angle. I didn't want Mike to hold him. I just wanted to keep him on my hip the whole time.

I have never felt this in love with anything in my life. Just thinking about how beautiful this day was brings me near tears.

We think Emmett said "Pizza" tonight, but of course we're not sure. He makes "rrrRRRRRRRRhhhh" sounds when he sees a truck or a dog. And Jessica had these seriously HIDEOUS stuffed animals for a story she's writing on stuffed animals for adults, and Emmett loved them. The one looked like a mishapen white owl that had been shot a hundred times and was spluttering blood all over.

It was his favorite.

Blog Newsflash

I am going to put up another blog. Actually, I used to keep a secret blog. I'm going to make that one available and will add on to it.

This one is going to be reserved for Emmett reflections. If you want to know the address to my new blog, let me know and I will send you an email with the new address. I want this one to be private with code names etc. I know it's very possible that my boss and co-worker read this and I want to be able to freely talk about everything in my life.

Again, if you want in on my new secret blog, let me know. Everyone is invited.

About Emmett

That's what this blog started out as, and that's what I want it to return to. I was so sad when I read very old posts, realizing that I can't get back the time that I didn't write about him. My stupid feelings are not nearly as important to me as Emmett. So that's what this is going to return to, as much as I can.

Today, Meredith came over with her son Owen. I have a playdate with the two of them once a week and that's been good for Emmett, since I stopped going to the gym when I started working so much for the company. We played and they got along pretty well. We went outside and they ran around in the yard, each of them clinging onto a round ball like it was a pregnant belly. They were running around.

Emmett was so cute today and made the cutest little sounds. As Jessica described, they're like little bird sounds -- little squawks.

He conintues to say 2 very clear words: CAR and THIS. Car, comes out at random times. Sometimes a car will simply pass by and he'll blurt it out. THIS means several things including "What does this mean?" Somtimes he says "DA" for Dad and "Ga" for everything he doesn't know. We think he may have said "Cookie" and "Book".

My parents and sister left for Greece yesterday and we're taking care of their house. It occurred to me that when they get back, Emmett will probably be able to put two words together in the beginning of a sentence.

Anyway, today when we went over there, we discovered that their cat had peed on the floor. (Persia has a problem with this). So, I got out some baking soda and spread it around on the floor. And Emmett, stuttering "ahhhs" with his arms thrown up, was reaching for the box of baking soda...and when I gave it to him, he was in HEAVEN throwing that powder all over the place.

Tonight at dinner, we had mussels and seafood with angelhair pasta. Emmett didn't want any, but then when he saw the mussles, he wanted to suck on the shell. We let him do it, and then I tried something. I cut up the muscle and put it inside the shell and gave it to him.

He was tricked.

There is nothing

more disgusting than a girl with a bad mustache wearing bright pink, shiny lipstick.

I quit my job

and I know there's a chance that my boss or that my co-worker might read this blog. Becuase of that, I can't get into too many details
except to say
it's for the best.

It's best for Emmett, me, Mike and my stress level.
I will tell you details if you want the scoop. Email me or call me.

This is hard for me on many levels.

I wish I was stable

I wish this so much. I am so tired of being a dreamer. How badly I wish I wasn't spontaneous. I wish I were good at one thing. I wish I had one goal. I wish I were normal and less smart and less sensitive and more simple.


Especially now that someone else is depending on me. And he thinks we know what we're doing but we totally don't.

I continue to be fascinated by everything and to want to do everything and realize that I really can't...I can't becuause of Emmett. The more time I get into my own things, the less time I get into Emmett. And it seems like the more I do the less patience I have for the slowness of play time.

We're no longer sure about West Philly -- particularly the area we were looking in. The school system that we thought was so great does not seem like it is that great for us. It is 60% black, 20% Asian and 20% White. The number of white students has been declining every year.

Now all the "progressives" I know might point their boney fingers at me siting that I'm prejedious and that HOW DARE this affect our decision. The difference between those progressives and me is that I went to middle school where I was one of two white girls in the whole class.

It's stupidity, in my opinion, to pretend that we should not let the black/white ratio affect our decision. Emmett is the most precious thing we have in the entire world. I'm going to use every ounce of intelligence that I have in making any decision that will affect his future. And I guess the difference is, that I'm just honest.

So now, we don't know what we're doing. We don't know where to live. We don't know if we should work. I have two major projects in the oven right now, and I've turned the heat on low.

It would be so great if something just "worked" or if something just happened that would shape our future. As much as I live the fleeting highs and lows that make up my emotion, I envy the people that know what they're doing.

So to all you readers that know what you're doing -- I envy you.

I have scoliosis.

Degas Back,
originally uploaded by elisabethie.

If you look at me from the back, standing straight, you'll see that I'm literally lopsided. The right side of me is up higher than the left and I slope.

The chiropractor explained to me that the reason my back hurts (particularly in my shoulders) is that my left shoulder muscles are straining to keep up with my right shoulder muscles. That they're always trying to straighten my back and make it level, even if there's pain. The priority from my body's perspective, is to be balanced.

Before I was married, I had very frequent panic attacks. I was unsure of most of my movements. I was jittery, shaky, self-conscious and nervous most of the time. I would talk endlessly in an effort to avoid silence. I drove unsteady, quickly and aggressively, distracted easily by anything on the road. I was, before I was married, kind of annoying.

Choosing Mike as a husband was not an accidental or heat of the moment choice. I was striving to balance myself-- to alleviate the difficulty and strain in doing the things I'm not good at or that I struggle with. To add stability, logic and patience to my life in an effort to balance the wild, neurotic and emotionally chaotic person that I was. I have always been lopsided on the "left side", even when it comes to my brain. And before I was married, this was (at times quite literally) dehibilitating.

I don't want Mike to get a big ego, but I think marrying him changed my life in a way that it balanced my personality. Today is the first day I'm recognizing that the difference between me in 1995 to me in 2005 has (for sure) much to do with maturity, but even more to do with this balance...with the introduction and understanding of patience, slowness, logic and intentional movements.

Thinking about this, I can actually feel relief, and can only describe it as the absence of back pain associated with scoliosis.

The Pelicans are playing tonight

and I will be there.

With my friend, who's nickname is Fruitie. J. Berthold Jr.
And with my friend, who's nickname is Pokiedokie, C. Dotto.
And with my mom, who's nickname is Olga.

Breaking & Entering

So...Chris broke into my blog. Her post is below. It was briefly under the title: "Ducks Galore"

Boy, i am so glad Chris decided to join us on the duck event! see her latest entry.
Who would have thought! I told you she was easy to talk into anything.
I would like to expand on her ideas though:
I think it would be cool if we all brought our own carton of eggs and through eggs at people and cars from the Duck Mobile, we would have to do it descretely. That would be totally worth the expense, to see the looks on people's faces after we gave them a good old fashioned egging!
Anyone else want to contribute ideas?
I love her idea of playing duck duck goose, maybe we can find goose eggs to launch off of the Duck Mobile!

Some things I like.

1500-athene
Originally uploaded by elisabethie.

1. Watching Steve Bushemmi & Jack Black
2. Eating chocolate.
3. Washing my hands with Williams-Sonoma soap
4. The feeling of relief after a presentation
5. Talking "black" with Ana
6. Looking through People magazine with Jessica
7. Analyzing with Colin
8. Being a dectective with Chris
9. Listening to Audrey's stories
10. Assessing quality with Mike
11. Getting deep with Faith
12. (see Jessica's blog) Appreciating a good bathroom
13. Making someone feel better
14. Getting letters from Phil
15. Waking up early.
16. Getting good deals.
17. Looking cool.
18. The color pink
19. Back massages
20. Pizza
21. Burning Votivo candles

I am not sure why I felt this compulsion to write this list. And I believe I included everyone that may be reading this. There are only two others that may be reading, so I will add these notes for them:

22. Stacey's gentle insights
23. College memories with Jenn 24.Cracking up with Wayne

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Today is Greek Easter.
Christos Anesti.
We are going to Ocean City NJ for the traditional Greek Easter events that some of my relatives hold. For a long time, my family (and one other family) were the black sheep of our large Greek family. Somehow, that changed.
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We are going to set up a "Comedy Night" for Dave to do standup. He has agreed to do it if we set it up. Mike and I may do it at the Laff House or maybe, get a different space. Dave reminds me of Jack Black a little bit.