My living room is filled with

piles and piles of dirty laundry. Mike put them all into baskets after I sorted them. Our dryer isn't working, so suddenly we're looking at a massive trip to the laundrymat again. Which, in some ways, I miss. It's this designated time to do laundry rather than this endless pile that accumulates and is never finished.

Over the past few months, I've been going through some strange, unfamiliar feelings. The first is feeling slightly vulernable. I used to feel very confident that everyone would like me, and it's probably because I work hard to make that happen. But lately, my identity as a mother (with other moms) is feeling very off. I've never experienced the kind of alienation that I feel when I'm around them. I'm not accepted into the Mother's world, and it seems like no matter how hard I try, there's something weird going on. I've wondered if it's because they can smell smoke on me and feel like I'm a bad mother. It might be this. It's a reoccurring thing.

I had a playdate on Friday, and this was the worst, most torturous playdate yet. The child would not play with Emmett. He had no interest in us. The mother was nice, but not trying to encourage interaction. So Emmett was running around (oblivious to this) and playing by himself. I was trying to talk to the mom, but far too aware of the differences between our children and that this kid was not interested in my son.

I should say, that for all the times I've said "Emmett is a genius", this child made me realize it's not true. Emmett's smart, but that's not his main/only quality. This kid was pronouncing facts to me. The streak of childlike, whirling fun that Emmett has, was not present. This boy was only three, and was critiquing his mother's turkey drawings, demanding she do a better job on the hat, and reciting the first and last names of the children he goes to daycare with. His thing was reciting facts and understanding how things work. This boy IS a genius. Emmett is a kid.

Last night was complicated. I'm emotionally exhausted. This job hasn't begun and has a tight deadline. The playdate made me feel (once again) like an outcast. I'm feeling unsure of my friendships. I'm feeling insecure about how Mike and I approach marriage and parenting. In all my years as a "fringe" person, this is the first time in my life I've truly felt like an outcast. It's very hard to feel secure about the way you are when other people are doing things so differently.

And I can't help but to see the analogy of all these piles of dirty clothes, just now sorted, and feeling like it's reflective of my emotional state.s

**This entry was taken from my other blog and posted here because it relates to Emmett**

Emmett talks. For real.

It's not just a little bit.
It's about everything. Every day, he talks about everything and I struggle to understand what he's saying. How in the world do I have this amazing child?

He is an adult's dream baby. I'm not just saying this either. He's patient, obediant and peaceful. He loves adults. He has preferences. He can go from crying to laughing in a second flat.

Here's what's happening.

The whole tooth brushing thing is becoming a problem. I used to have him on a schedule (once a day), butlately, I keep forgetting. In addition, I only give him baths like 2x a week. When he's in there, he loves it. When I tell him he's going to get one, he starts crying. I have to get more regular about this.

In the meantime, this new job in Baltimore knows about Emmett and they keep saying I can bring him up with me to meetings etc. I keep saying no (of course), but it is WONDERFUL that they know I have a first priority. It feels totally freeing.

Here's what I've observed about Emmett:
1. He adores his cousin Isaac like no other.
2. He nods a lot.
3. He cannot stand his sleeves being up.
4. He is a very, very slow eater.

My struggle today is this:

He woke up this morning and I told him he'd be spending the day with his nanny and he said "No. Mommy." and I said "You'll play with today" and he said "No. Play Mommy". I feel terrible already. Any ounce of work I do makes me feel slightly guilty.

I also need to figure out better eating for him. He gets a Flinstones Kids vitamin everyday to offset my pathetic cooking skills.

I'm not Betty Crocker and recent events.

I feel continuously inadequate as a mother. Emmett spends most of his time alone, playing with his cars, with me on the computer or cleaning. And I see these other moms that are supermoms, their whole lives dedicated to their kids, and I want so much to be that way.

Over the last 2 months, I've totally stopped working, and I felt that that would surely increase the "quality" time I spend with Emmett. But it hasn't. The time I'd usually spend working is repalced with other mental activities and it hasn't increased my ability to focus on Emmett.

Recently, I came to a realization. I am not the mother I wish I could be. I'm not built that way. I need to work. And in this experiment, I realize that intellectual motivation is what enables me to be a fun mom. So when I don't have it from a job, I get it in other ways.

That's just the way it is. I wish it wasn't, but it is. Emmett seems ok with it. Everyday, we get about an hour of quality playtime, and the rest is half playtime, with me doing other things, but still interacting to some extent. I have to fully resolve this. I'm working on it.

In other news:

Emmett Loves Crashing:
He loves to talk about car crashes. He loves to crash his cars. He imagines Papou crashing. When we get into the car, he hopes we will crash. My response was initially to explain that it hurts when a person crashes. But I decided it's ok. So I let him do it. Mike told me little boys love crashing, so I show him bumper cars online.

Our Trip to Vermont:
The main highlight of this very difficult trip (meeting Mike's 10-years estranged sister and her daughter) was that Emmett had a blast with his cousing Isaac. (see above). They hid in the curtains. They ran around scraming. They laughed. They didn't want to sleep, they loved each other so much.

Emmett Talking:
He is really talking and repeating everything. The other day, he said "Fart" and then farted. I hate that word and need to find a substitute. "Toot" is too WHYY. I think I'm going to go with TRAFT which is what Audrey and I used growing up. Here's what he's saying right now:

"Ok. Hide that. Wash car."

We're listening to "No" by They Might Be Giants and he's running around with cars and trash. (He LOVES throwing trash in teh trashcan, playing in the sink, and bumping down the stairs. -- we pull him down each step on his butt).

Playdates: We have at least one a week, but it's usually Emmett sort of playing with the other kid, and me talking to the mom.

Emmett's favorite things:
• Playing with water
• Milk
• Seeing car crashes
• Getting new cars
• Throwing trash in the trash cans
• Anything sweet
• Pancakes
• Getting tickled

Emmett's busy life

Emmett continues to be an adorable, intelligent, giving child and I can't believe I had any part in producing him. Here's what we've been up to:

Friday: We hung out in the park most of the day with a neighbor Karin. Emmett made a friend there named Nicco and his mother and I are going to get together for a playdate. He is in love with his walker again and was very good about sharing. When Mike got home Friday night, we all went to Target to find a toy for Cooper's birthday. We also promised him a truck. We went (very carefully) through every aisle of the toys and he was having a hardtime deciding which toy to get. he finally decided on 8 trucks (in a package) and it seems he likes a plain white one the best. Emmett had a great time hanging out there. He was very interested in the entire store. We got Cooper a Superman cape that makes sounds when you move. (Like if you punch, it makes a "woosh" sound.)

Saturday: We went to a tree planting event in our neighborhood where they planted 70 trees. Emmett was very "into" helping and they even videotapped him for a documentary. He loves to dig and rake leaves. He's very into gardening and "helping". In these pictures, he was working with a little neighborhood girl named Lila. After that, I took him to Cooper's (his cousin) fourth birthday party at Making Music in Media. It was a pirate theme, and he was a little too little to get into the activities. The moms there were very mom-like and I felt drastically out of place. I felt like one of the moms was looking me up and down critically, but they were all basically nice. I probably shouldn't have worn my boots. Anyway, Emmett had a pretty good time. He adores his cousins.


Sunday: We went to church and Emmett gave his Nona a cookie for her birthday. My grandmother, Uncle etc. were there. The problem is, I am always in the bathroom with Emmett. He won't sit through the service at all adn they don't have childcare. It's ok. We came home, Emmett napped, and then Colin and Jessica took him out for 4 hours. (To dinner and the park). We went and picked him up around 9 and he was so happy to see us. But later, he started crying and hitting me which is something he does after I leave him for awhile. Mike and I got a massive amount acomplished while they had him.

Monday: We went to Playgroup in teh morning and Emmett wanted to walk with his walker (and not be in the stroller). This was fine, but he started gettting weird on the way there -- trying to go in the street, getting mad at his walker, demanding to push the stroller instead etc. I ended up forcing him into the stroller and he was flipping out. I was so embarassed. We got to Playgroup and he really played and was sort of interacting with the other kids. I was a real parent there -- talking to the other parents. We went to the park after that and played for a long time and came back and went to bed. Emmett was super hungry last night and ate 4 chicken legs and a piece and a half of pizza. It was insane. Mike took him to Home Depot after that and he came home and requested to sleep in my bed for awhile, so I let him. He kept touching my nose so I would move my head away really fast, and this cracked him up to no end. I love these moments in my bed because he is very snuggly. Finally, I told him it was time for bed and he happily went into his crib.

Emmett, Old Navy, McDonalds and his quirks

This week has been slow for us, since we got back from the cruise. But yesterday, we went out.

I took Emmett to Rite Aid to get invitations for his second birthday party and promised him a truck when we got there. He examined the trucks for quite awhile, and went through many choices, putting them back and changing his mind. He started with a tiny copper matchbox car, then moved on to this "car transporter" (ugly) with a matchbox car, and ended up with a blue truck. We went up to the counter to pay and he was happily clapping his hands in anticipation of receiving the truck. But then, the truck was broken when we opened it. So we went back and got a different one.

We went to Old Navy and I bought him a ton of stuff on sale for Emmett. He was getting kind of irritated and bored but I gave him a lolipop and that made him feel better. The cutest thing was that I picked this one monster t-shirt from Halloween, and I asked Emmett if he liked it. He had a very strong opinion that he didn't like the shirt. In fact, he said "I don't like it".

I got him a cat flashlight, tons of truck t-shirts, socks and a pair of jeans. When we got out, I took him to McDonalds for his first happy meal ever. It was kind of unexciting and uneventful and all I could think was how unhealthy it was. The fries tasted terrible, and I ended up getting new ones (which also tasted very badly freezer burned).

I brought him home and put him down for Nonnie (which means nap in our house). Before I did, I put him into my bed and pretended to go to sleep with him. He was cracking up, grabbing my nose and pushing my arm etc. etc.

During his nap, I sent out his invitations and tried to get our lives back in order (not done). And when he woke up, he was in a terrible mood. I rocked him for about 1/2 hour and he just laid on me. I gave him peanut butter and jelly and we played a little and he watched some TV while I made dinner.

As usual, dinner was a problem. He doesn't like fish and only ate potatos. But I read something somewhere about not forcing kids to eat what they don't want, so I let it go. He had potatos and bread.

Emmett Observations:

• Falling: Emmett is REALLY into "falling" on the ground dramatically.
• Shows: Emmett does spinning and falling shows when people are around.
• Words: Last night Emmett said "Bye Nana" for good bye Ana, and he never really put a name after the adjective. He also says a ton of other words and walks around saying "momma" a lot of the day. That word describes everything.
• Games: Sometimes we play a game where I'll say "Where's mommy?" and he'll point to "wrong" items and I'll tickle him.
• Toys: He continues to be obsessed with cars and trucks. He also greatly enjoys cleaning up and sweeping the floor.
• People: He LOVES Craig. It's so odd. He just loves him and always wants him to play.
• Food: This is becoming a problem. He doesn't want to eat dinner...ever.
• Sleeping: He still loves sleeping.
• Talking: It's the cutest thing. He says words thta don't mean anything but says them with inflection, shaking his head as he describes things he doesn't like and explains things that we don't understand. He kind of sounds like he's speaking Italian. For "more" he says "mas".
• Sensitive: He is very very sensitive and gets his feelings hurt.

The Haircut Story
I took him to get his hair cut the other day, and he was very gentle and quiet. I thought I saw a tear in his eye, as he was sitting there and Anthony and I were chatting away, but I didn't think anything of it. Then all of the sudden, I noticed it again, and I knelt down and said "Emmett, are you ok?" and he put his head into my shoulder and started crying so hard, strange little noises were coming out. He was totally scared. I hugged him and explained that I know it's scary to get your hair cut when you're little, but that it doesn't hurt and that everyone has to do it. That some people think it's fun. He felt better and I promised him a big pile of M&M's at the end of the haircut (this is bad. You're not supposed to use food as a reward). Anthony finished and I let Emmett go over to the big bowl and take a gigantic handful.

Emmett goes on a cruise.

This weekend was our family reunion cruise. 36 members of the P EL I S family got on a boat in Miami and spent 3 days at sea, en route to the Bahamas. Just to quickly talk about my feelings on this: I had a blast, but at the same time, I couldn't stand Nassau because all I could think about was the poor people and how "American" it was.

But Emmett has a great time. I don't know if every mom feels this way, but I swear, everyone loves Emmett -- including strangers.

Of notable events were the following:

Emmett LOVES his cousin Olivia. All he wanted to do was hug her and touch her. He kept requesting to be near her and watching her. This is Olivia:


My parents watched him most of the time and he slept in their cabin. He was really into "falling" off the window and onto the bed.

My sweet little boy.

My struggle with TV and Emmett.

watching-tv
Originally uploaded by sabbeth.

Yesterday was a gross day and Emmett was still kind of sick. I elected an "in" day (skipping playgroup) and would have loved to watch TV all day with him. Instead, I let him watch a few shows in the morning (3) and when he woke up, felt too guilty about his TV viewing to let him watch more. Then, when J & Bryan (from LA) came over in the afternoon, he watched some weird TeleyTubby rip off on PBS for a few minutes.

I am really struggling with TV and am not sure what to do. In the past month, Emmett has watched an average of 2-4 hours of TV per day, including his videos and DVDs. This has been becuase of people being here or work we're doing etc. and you can't imagine how guilty I feel about this. I feel like I'm the worst mom.

Even more terrible, I've come to depend on the TV to keep him occupied for certain activities (dinner etc.) and for my own downtime. He rarely requests it...I'm always putting it on.

I am not sure how to handle this. No one reads this blog, but if you did, I'm sure there would be "Don't worry about it" advice. But I am worried. I always thought TV was the worst thing you could let your child do (along with sweets, which I am also guilty of). This is not how I wanted it to go at all.

Emmett's Nanny

There is not too much new to report, except that I have a few pictures from our anniversary trip. Mike, Emmett & I went to an MD house overlooking the Chesapeake Bay for our 5th Anniversary. I was sick most of the time, and all of us slept a lot.

Emmett spent the morning with Craig and Ana. They went to Lord & Taylor for clothes and then went to lunch at the diner on the corner. Ana can't be Emmett's nanny anymore because of school. There is no one in the world like her and I'm trying to figure this out. For now, I have a friend that's going to watch him until he finds other work. I want to leave him with someone he loves.

I'm busily trying to get the house together while he sleeps.